


A Really Long Dream

by ElfMaidenOfLight



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Closure, Confessions, Devotion, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Explicit Sex, Not Really Character Death, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, ackerbond, awkward old men trying to make out kinda, death as a gateway, not a 'heaven' or afterlife fic, not really reincarnation, okay so kinda-explicitish sex but not really? you be the judge, that fucking bolo tie, the ocean, the universe expanding and contracting, to you 2000 years from now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-09-06 23:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8773936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElfMaidenOfLight/pseuds/ElfMaidenOfLight
Summary: ---Were you in a deep sleep? Do you think you are still dreaming?---Levi can feel when his heart stops beating, when there's more of his blood on the ground around him than there is pumping through his veins. He knew he'd rush headlong into death after Erwin, but he hopes his sacrifice bought those damn brats enough time to end it. Finally.  There is a moment where he must be dead; a contented, restful moment, before he is gasping into life again, hands twisting against a wound that is no longer there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” [x]

Ridged shock twisted his face as a warm, wet splash split across his midsection. The hand holding his remaining blade spasmed, and the weapon dropped from his grip.

“Levi!” One of the brats screamed from above him, but he couldn’t tell who it was that had spoken.

His legs buckled; Levi went down on one knee, lost his balance, and fell sideways into the dirt. Blood, his own, spilled from the slit in his stomach.

“Shit,” Levi rasped, teeth grit, tasting iron and bile in the back of his throat. He’d certainly been careless in his last stand... lashing out with little regard to the outcome. Hell, long as he was useful in the end, it didn’t matter if he made it out alive-- stayed alive. No one left to stay alive for anyway.

Levi swallowed, forcing down a desperate sound as his hands tried, vainly, to hold himself together. The pain was so intense that his breath came through his clenched teeth in short, gasping draws.

“Someone!” There was the telltale hiss of gas above him. “Help the Captain!”

 _Don’t bother_ , he wanted to say, unable to lift his head, _keep going and finally end this,_ but the words were drowned in a wet gurgle that burst behind his teeth, spraying blood against his cheek.

The ground around him glistening in the dark.

Well, he was certainly bleeding out quick. The wound must be deep…

A rueful smile twisted at his lips.

So, this was it then, huh?

At least—

Levi struggled against the blanket of darkness that now consumed his peripheral vision. The cavern swam before his eyes. His lungs were on fire.

At least he hadn’t been eaten by a fucking monster.

With the last bit of strength he possessed, before he succumbed to his own inevitable death, a weak, shaking hand inched up to clasped desperately at his left breast. Under his uniform, in the small pocket of his jacket, he could feel the smooth, round stone of Erwin’s tie so close to his heart. The feeling of it there, heavy, promising, gave Levi a strange comfort.

_Almost there, Erwin._

He felt himself slipping away.

_I’m right behind you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a giant fever dream of mine, so hope it turns out the way I want it to. Planning for 4 chapters, but who knows. This is a desperate attempt to give these idiots some kind of closure . Let's see how it goes, shall we?


	2. Chapter 2

Some believe, you know, that we don’t remember our dreams at all. The 'memory' we create, about our time asleep? Simply our conscious mind, weaving stories from sparking neurons; simulations out of stimuli. All the while, we’re floating in an unconscious free-fall.

And those chemicals? Racing through our heads while we're asleep? They're the same, you know, when we die.

\---

One Month Earlier

 

“I’m going to shower.”

Hanji shot him a one-eyed look of intense scrutiny, which Levi ignored with a small turn of his head. His sudden declaration had been a surprise; they were his first words in an hour, maybe more, from before they'd even started back towards headquarters.

By the time they'd entered the compound, Levi had been picking at the blood crusted under his fingernails for the better part of the afternoon. It was beginning to drive him crazy.

At his side, walking across the deserted grounds, Hanji looked about to speak, but Levi shook his head.

He didn’t need a lecture, and he didn’t need for someone to hold his hand. Hanji was undoubtedly still pissed at him, but Levi could think of nothing he wanted less than to start a fight.

He was just… tired.

“Alright,” Hanji said, “I’ll find you later when— when we figure out what to do with the kids. We’ll probably end up locking them in a cell, at least for now.”

“Aye aye, Commander.”

Ah, he thought, as soon as the words came flying out, that was… cruel.

Levi took no joy in the flicker of pain that flashed across Hanji’s face, but he didn’t stay long enough to regret his words, veering away towards the barracks with unhurried, sure steps. He could feel Hanji’s gaze upon his back, and Levi pushed away the thought that he was being pitied. Hell, they were all fucked now, it wasn't just him.

Humanity was toast.

Levi’s footsteps echoed eerily down the empty corridors and connecting rooms. Headquarters was to remain empty for the foreseeable future. No way could they attract new recruits now. There’d be no reconstitution of the Survey Corps; him, Hanji, the golden trio, Jean, Connie, Sasha—if she recovered— that was it.

Levi wrinkled his nose. Nevertheless, the whole place still reeked of human; soldiers living in too-tight quarters on one hell of a cash-strapped budget.

Retrieving his bucket of supplies, Levi made his way to the shower rooms. It wasn’t out of the ordinary, as far as post-op rituals went, but something about his movement began to ring automatic, detached. Levi watched as his own fingers push open the washroom’s wooden saloon-style doors like they belonged to someone else. Someone _else_ stripped him of his clothes, folding them neatly on the communal bench. Someone else stepped down into the recessed trough and underneath one of the rusty spigots.

It wasn’t until he pulled the metal ring-chain, water blasting down from on high, stinging cold, that Levi was knocked back into some semblance of consciousness. He let out a surprised hiss before the cold water began to turn lukewarm, even a bit hot. A rare thing indeed, hot water, but… Levi supposed there was no one left to use it up.

Letting the ring go, he let the stream trickle off as he lathered himself. The white suds turned pink, blood and grime bubbling against his skin.

He pulled the chain again.

Under the running water, Levi washed death from his body in long, coarse scrubs. It stung in his shallow wounds, but the pain was almost welcome; something he could hold on to. For a moment, Levi almost had to brace himself against the grimy tile in front of him, legs feeling weaker than he could ever remember. The thought of what germs he might touch kept him standing. Something always kept him upright, kept him going.

Always...

Levi stepped from the shower, busying himself with the distraction of getting dressed, occupying his mind with whatever routine he could think of, until… until there was only one thing left.

Erwin’s office wasn’t even locked. The insufferable idiot.

Closing the door behind him, hair still dripping, Levi was momentarily stunned by the silence inside. Nothing had been disturbed; the entire room encased in memory. Crossing to the window behind Erwin’s desk, he pushed open a panes of glass, swell of fresh air ruffling the papers on the desk.

From within a pocked in his breeches, Levi took Erwin’s wings, fingering the blood-stiffened fabric. Only natural thing to do, really, returning the man to a place he supposed they could have all called  _home._ If they deserved to have such things. Levi stepped back, taking his usual chair on the other side of the desk. A spot he’d been accustomed to for… how many years now?

Hell, he’d slept in this chair more than his bunk.

Elbows on his knees, hands cradling his chin and wings crushed in his grasp, Levi lost himself in the sight of Erwin’s empty chair, subjecting himself to the visual finality of Erwin _not coming back._

The memory of the other man, seated across from him, head bent over his reports, a crease between his brow, unaware that Levi had paused in his reading to stare…

Levi willed himself to cry. To scream. Anything.

In his head, he fantasized about flying into a fit of rage, chucking the chair he was sitting in through the open office window, tight knot despair deep within him pushing for release.

He didn't move.

They had meant something to each other; Levi wasn’t so stupid as to deny that. It was a fine line they had walked, and implicit trust was a dangerous little thing. To feel so connected to another person… it was something Levi had never felt before. He doubted if he would ever feel it again.

Erwin had Levi forever, even if they’d never spoken a word about such things. In every knowing look, every hushed council. He killed for Erwin, would die for Erwin.

Surely there was a place within him, deep and safe, a place where he had cherished Erwin’s trust, where he was not a monster. Where he could grieve.

How strange it felt, to love something so hard that instead of despair, you were thankful for its absence. For it's freedom.

He let out a snort of incredulity, sitting back in the chair

“Damn it…”

Damn him for loving Erwin.

When it came down to it, Humanity’s Strongest had been a selfish little prick.

And… he was _glad_ about it?

The sound of the door opening froze a strange smile that had settled over Levi’s face. He closed his eyes, briefly, to compose himself.

“What is it?” He asked without turning.

“I thought I’d find you here,” Hanji said quietly, closing the door after walking inside. Papers rustled. “How are you?”

“Fine.”

“Levi—”

“Absolutely bereft. There, that more acceptable?”

There came a disappointed sigh. Hanji walked around Levi’s chair towards Erwin’s desk, shaking fingers reaching out to touch well-worn wood like a friend.

“The… the kids are behind bars for the time being.”

“Good,” Levi shot out, “they _should_ be. A fitting reminder what a serious offense it is to strike a superior.”

Setting new papers down on Erwin’s desk, Hanji looked as if the next words were a bit reluctant. “Speaking of... I was surprised how easily Mikasa overpowered you back there.”

Levi felt a wave of something unidentifiable swell within him. “I'd just killed a shitload of titans,” he spat, incredulous. Now, was he trying to convince Hanji, or himself? “Give me a damn break." A dark thought condensed like a cloud, and before he could stop himself, he said, “Maybe I’m not as strong as I use to be…," but quickly added, “Must be getting too damn old  or something.”

“I sincerely hope not. We’ve got a lot of work to do.” Hanji’s gaze flickered down to his steepled hands. “Is that…?”

Levi unclenched his fingers around the wings. “Yeah…”

“I told the higher-ups we’d lost this, too. In case you wanted to bury it.” Hanji took out Erwin’s tie, placing it on the desk between them. Levi stared, as if it were dripping with snake venom. “That was a very kind thing you did for Erwin,” Hanji continued, and Levi looked up with a note of surprise. “Kind, noble... and _stupid.”_

He glared. “I’ve already decided I don’t need a fucking lecture about this.”

“Are you sure?” Hanji bent to lean across the desk. “I was being serious when I said I’d accept your decision, but I want to know. Do you realize the jeopardy you’ve put us in? _All of us_ in?”

There was nothing for Levi to do but answer, “Yes.”

Hanji let out a low whistle, moving to sit gingerly in Erwin's old chair. “Well, that's it then. Now, we have to plan our next move." There was a pause. "What do _you_ want to do?”

“I will kill the Beast Titan,” he said, with intensity stoked from what little fire remained in him, reaching finally to Erwin’s tie. “And I don’t expect to make it back” Hanji's eyebrows jumped. "I'm just letting you know, out of professional courtesy." Levi shrugged off her look, fingers brushing over the green stone before curling around it.

He'd made a promise to kill Zeke, not a promise to stay alive.

\---

Suddenly there _was._

And Levi couldn't understand what had happened before, because there _had been nothing_ before. Before _this_.

He recognized 'noise' as suddenly as his consciousness bloomed up, unfurling from the nothing into _him._

It was like being in an over-crowded room, everyone talking all at once, a roar that was surging upward even as he drowned in it.

And suddenly, he woke, to complete silence, his body jerking violently like he'd been falling in a dream only to hit the ground with a start. He panted heavily, and the reverberating sound of it echoed out and back to him in ripples. With faint annoyance, he realized his whole body was cold with sweat.

Cold...

Levi could feel the sensation. Which meant—

He was alive.

His vision came back slowly as he blinked, and materializing out of the gloom was the cavern's ceiling above. Dim at first, fuzzy, but it all became more defined after a moment or two.

Gradually, feeling flowed into his body, first in his fingers, then in his toes, coming together at his core. Disoriented, he braced for pain, but no pain came.

With the prickling sensation of new blood flow, is hands clenched spasmodically, one against his stomach, the other against his chest where they had rested when he… There was no gaping wound to hold, but the lump in his breast pocket still pressed against his heart.

Erwin.

Levi sat up with a jolt, twisting on the ground, fumbling for his blade-- They were still fighting! This wasn't over!-- and it immediately felt like his brain had lurched forward against the front of his skull. With a grunt of pain, he dropped his head into a hand, the other bracing the ground, as a sudden piercing headache made even his eye sockets ache.

"Damn... that hurts," he mumbled, voice echoing again, and the warped sound directed his attention to the cavern. Dark, without torches burning on the wall, like before. Empty, none of their enemies lying in wait, like before.

No comrades, either.

They had tracked their enemies-- Zeke and the others-- here, to the base of their operations. The survivors: Eren, weakened by power, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Hanji; the six of them had prepared to make their final stand. Levi had gone down fighting, he remembered; a sharp seam across his stomach, a sudden burst of pain and wet-slick heat... but here, now... No blood on the ground, no dead allies, no dead enemies. The entire underground lair was empty, like a tomb.

How long was he out? A few hours? A whole day?

No weapons either, he thought ruefully, surveying the ground around him. He struggled to his feet, body stiff, fingering the torn fabric of his uniform, feeling solid skin underneath where they should have been a gash.

"Well," he said out-loud, perhaps to steel his own nerve against the confusion and panic rising in the back of his throat; the faint taste of blood and bile. "I'm not waiting around down here, that's for damn sure."

Alone, with shifty eyes, on high alert for any semblance of movement in the shadows, Levi began to cross the great cavern towards a small, arching passageway, which had lead them underground in the first place.

He ascended the corridor.

And everything was quiet.

The feeling of complete unease was beyond anything he had ever experienced, like pins in his boots. Even as he walked, hand pressed against the stonework wall to guide him, the world threatened to tip out from under his feet.

Had he passed out? No, he had been fighting. He had... been wounded. Gravely. Levi could remember the bubble of blood, pushing past his clenched hands to spend itself upon the earth. There was no way the others could have subdued the enemy _and_ made it to him in time to patch him up. Not before the wound would have killed him.

Utterly impossible.

Besides, there didn't seem _to be_ a wound. No scar. Nothing. They could have left him for dead, sure, he had _expected_ that, he had ordered them to leave him should he fall, but... 

The passageway inclined, leading him towards the anteroom at the surface. The building had been an old temple, some kind of shrine, nestled into the foliage of a forests’ edge, the building encased in winding green vines and thick, broad leaves. The front entrance had been reduced to rubble long before they had found this place, but the large inner chamber had remained intact.

Levi exited the passageway behind the thick alter, but stopped short. The whole place looked… different. The tall pillars, holding up the vaulted ceiling, were no longer cracked and crumbling. Rather, they looked untouched by the passing of time, intricate designs painted there pristine.

The sudden realization that something utterly _strange_ was going on, filled Levi with less fear than it did anger. He _hated_ being in the dark like this. It was absolute bullshit.

“What am I suppose to do now, huh?” His body wanted to _move_ to _act_ , but he was grasping at the different paths in front of him, no guidepost to light his way. It was a feeling he'd become reluctantly accustomed to after Erwin's death. That didn't make it any easier.

Walking towards the entrance way, Levi could see early-morning light, reflecting green off the grass and painting the arch bright jade.

Morning.

Assessing the situation, Levi had no weapons, no food, insufficient clothing to keep himself warm against the night’s chill, and no where to go exceptback to the walls. With no doubt even a  _few_ titans roaming the plains, it was likely he’d be dead before he could reach any semblance of civilization. Safety was about three days ride from the temple. There was no way, just no way…

But what choice did he have?

Levi wanted answers. There was only one way to get to the bottom of this, and it didn’t involve him rotting out in the middle of nowhere.

Emerging into the sunlight, shielding his eyes from the morning haze, he relished for a moment the feeling of the sun on his body. He’d be so bone-achingly cold, like he’d never be warm again…

Levi looked back up at the splendid entrance to the temple. Where there once was rubble, stonework smooth and beautiful vaulted to the trees.

Turning in the direction they had come, he started walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading thus far!


	3. Chapter 3

The moment Levi was able to finally appreciate the sounds of birds overhead, the long rustle grass makes when undisturbed by all but the wind, was the moment his heart stopped pounding at the thought that, at any moment, a titan would come barreling towards him.

This was, Levi had to surmise, at around hour three of walking. Give or take. Judging on the angle of the sun. 

Tense concentration slowly drained from his body, leaving his muscles aching. He’d been waiting on edge to flatten himself on the ground should he spot a titan. On their journey to the temple, they’d encountered numerous roaming beasts of varying size, although most on the stunted side. They could still kill you, but they were less coordinated than the ones who could journey all the way to the walls.

And yet, he hadn’t seen a single one.

He refused to believe it was luck. He didn't have a very encouraging trackrecord when it came to luck.

Stretching out before him, rolling hills crested and swelled like ripples in a stream. Or waves on the ocean, so he’d been told.

Another hour and Levi stopped to pull himself from his ruined body harness. It was unlikely he’d come across any new gear, and the straps were beginning to cut into his thighs.

Peeling off his jacket, he grunted as he pulled the contraption down his legs, letting the whole thing drop to the earth. Levi stared at the tangle of leather and buckles, stained with sweat and blood, his and others.

Rolling his shoulders, readjusting his jacket, pushing up his sleeves to the elbows, he stepped over the whole contraption, leaving it behind in the weeds.

By the time he’d walked long enough for his legs to begin aching, the mid-afternoon sun had broken a sweat against his chest. Levi unbuttoned the top of his shirt, swallowing thickly.

“Water would be wonderful right about now,” he murmured, taking stock on a particularly hilly rise, a good view of the next few miles until the horizon swallowed whatever else might be out there.

Stopping short, Levi covered his eyes with a hand and squinted. Something… in the distance. Unmoving, and low to the ground.

Immediately, Levi crouched amid the grass, taking a knee so as to keep the unknown object in his sites. If it _were_ titans, they would no doubt start roaming after a while. He had nothing to do but sit and wait, give his legs a bit of a rest; give whatever it was time to make itself known.

At ground level, he could smell the earth, the bitterness of the grass, maybe even a bit of sweetness on the warm wind. 

God what a difference, he thought, in comparison to his childhood underground. A hand came up to press against his left breast. Erwin had saved him from that place; its own kind of hell. Where people prayed on others, consuming their humanity rather than their flesh like the monsters above.

He sighed heavily, eyes never straying from the object on the horizon.

After another hour of waiting, watching, Levi decided that it couldn’t _possibly_ be a titan. No titan could sit around in the sunlight for that damn long. They got hungry, or restless, or whatever the fuck titans did when they weren’t crushing bones between their teeth. No, this was something else.

“Maybe an outpost,” he mumbled, getting to his feet, wiping his hands on his breeches.

He’d be walking in blind, out in the open. No trees or bushes meant no cover. All he could hope for was to find a slightly elevated bit of land where he could gain some ground before they—whoever— spotted him. 

What he _wasn’t_ prepared for after a mile or so of waking, was the small farmhouse, horse paddock, and barn that materialized out of the wilderness.

"People? Living all the way out here?"

Were they fucking _crazy?_

Stalking cautiously forward, Levi watched for any movement. He used the bran for cover, coming around the back of the building towards the small farmhouse. In their pen were two horses, one black, one white, bucking and playing in the dust. The sight made him relax a degree, though he knew it was unwise to let such heady note of nostalgia disarm him even a tiny bit.

Seeing him, the horses whinnied, trotting to the fence. Perhaps they thought he was going to feed them.

 _“Shut up, idiots,”_ he hissed.

A screen door at the back of the two-story house slammed shut, and a portly old woman came down the wooden porch stairs carrying a basket. Levi shrunk back, flattening his body against the side of the barn.

If she came too far, she’d see him for sure. Not that he _couldn’t_ take some little old lady...

He watched as she dug in the bucket and extracted an apple, yellow and spotted. The horses whinnied, turning toward the wooden fence as she walked up, holding it out in her palm. The black horse nudged its fellow out of the way, gumming the woman’s hand.

“Aye now, there’s plenty here for you two! Don’t fight!” She scolded the horses even as she revealed a second apple and gave it to the one who had yet to eat.

Levi took a step out from his hiding place. She still didn’t see him. 

“Oiy,” he called, a good several feet away, far enough she could run if she wanted.

The bucket dropped from the woman's hands, apples rolling haphazard upon the dirt. Despite himself, and the bruises on the fruit, Levi found himself staring at them hungrily. Shock froze the woman’s face as she started backing away.

“ _Hey_ ,” he tried again, a note imploring. “I’m not here to… hold on!”

The woman had backed herself up to the deck, reaching around the entrance to the veranda and pulling a long-barreled shotgun from its hiding place. Levi’s eyes went wide. 

“The _hell?”_ His hands shot towards the sky as the woman advanced on him, barrel leveled at his chest. “Look here, grandma," he growled, "get a grip."

“Ehhh?” The back door to the farmhouse creaked open, and an old white-haired man poked his head out. “What's the commotion, Gin? What’s going on?”

“What’s your name, son?” The woman gruffed, ignoring the question. 

“Levi.”

“What’re you doing all the way out here, Levi?”

“I could ask the same of you, grandma.”

The woman, Gin, frowned at him.

“I lost my… group,” he finished lamely. He’d almost said ‘squad,’ but inwardly flinched away from the word.

“Your group?” The woman had a warm voice, but rough around the edges, like she’d partake in a pipe every now and then. She cocked her head to the side, thick white curls jiggling. “Hunting party?”

Levi snorted. “Yeah, hunting party. I’m unarmed, by the way. You can check if you’d like.”

Gin took the invitation literally, stalking over and taking one of his raised arms in her surprisingly strong grip, yanking it down and turning Levi around to get a good look at him. He spun obediently on the balls of his feet. He could get that shotgun easily, but… 

“Nothing but the shirt on your back it looks like.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, quiet and even as she stepped away from him. He noticed the way her eyes lingered on the emblems of his Corps jacket./p>

A furry white eyebrow cocked upward. “Mighty foolish of you to be wandering out here all by yourself.”

“Well, like I said, lost my hunting party.”

\---

Under the blessed shade of the veranda, Levi was asked—ordered— to sit in one of the rickety wicker chairs as the old woman convened with the man, her husband, inside the farmhouse.

Levi took a moment to look around the small settlement. A little garden hinted at the eking existence out here in the plains. How could they defend against the titans all on their own like this?

Something cold, something creeping up in the back of his mind, threatened to strangle him with a strange kind of terror.

What if--

The backdoor swung open, distracting him, and Gin came out on the desk with a wavy-glass cup of water. Levi stared as she pressed it into his hand. He sniffed the liquid first, and then drank, slowly, despite his clawing thirst. Behind her, the old man followed out into the shade.

“Name’s Ezra.” The man, whose back was bent significantly with age, stuck out his hand.

Levi gulped, wiping his mouth with the back of his arm. “Levi,” he mumbled, staring at the offered greeting for a long moment before returning it with a firm shake.

“So what exactly you been hunting all the way out here, Levi?” Ezra groaned as he sat into a chair across from him. His wife stood at his side, arms crossed

Levi licked his lips. “Titans.”

Gin and Ezra exchanged heavy looks.

“Do you… know what titans are?” Levi’s heart thumped uncomfortably.

They stared at him. 

After a long moment, Ezra scratched his stubbly chin. “I’ve heard the legends of these beasts; rumors when we get the post, tales in my youth. My mum wouldn’t talk about it. A might traumatized she seemed about the whole subject. Of course, there were always the stories on late nights between us kids, trying to frighten the wit out of ourselves.” 

Levi leaned forward, grip tight on his glass. “What _rumors?_ ”

“Oh, well, the hysteria, you know. Every once and a while some group or other will get all disruptive at the capitol, ranting about these titans or such. But no one’s ever seen a titan, no one I know.”

“I do,” Gin said quietly.

Ezra sat back in his chair. “Oh yeah, your gran, eh? I forgot all about that story...”

Levi watched Gin’s face as she recalled what seemed a faded memory.

“When I was a little girl,” the woman said in a hushed voice, “my gran would tell me stories, like when she was little her own self. Said there'd been titans outside the walls of the capitol. She said her whole family got eaten. She said _she’d_ been eaten _,_ but… but my mum always said it was a bad dream granny once had. That she was old and her mind was going all funny.”

“It’s no dream,” Levi grunted, looked down into his cup. “I fought them. I d—”

 _He died_.

Suppressing a shudder, Levi cleared his throat. “Have there been disruptions in the capitol lately? Ranting about titans?”

“Hmm,” Ezra thought a moment. “There was a big hullabaloo a few years ago, maybe two years by now... Don’t know how that all got sorted. Think some of ‘em were hospitalized for hysteria… As you can probably tell, we don’t get much news out here!” He laughed, patting his knee. Levi noticed Gin was staring at him. 

“I’m on my way back there,” Levi said, drawing his shoulders up. “I’d like to leave as soon as I can.”

Gin sighed. “That’s a good few days ride from here, and we can’t spare you a horse. You’re welcome to wait here for the supply wagon if you’d like." 

Levi frowned. “And how long would that be?”

“Ah, cart came by here, what, a week ago?” Ezra asked out loud; his wife nodded. “It makes rounds to the other farms, so maybe two weeks? If no weather comes in, mind you. Might be more.”

Levi shook his head. If there were no titans out there, or perhaps very _very_ few, he could walk.

“I can’t wait that long.”

Gin sighed. “At least stay the night. We’ll get you fed, and you’ll be rested. You can be on your way in the morning, how does that sound?" When he didn't raise a protest, she stepped toward him. "Would you like some more water?”

Levi nodded, holding out the cup. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm planning on 4 chapters total"  
> LOL  
> HOW NAIVE!  
> More like 7 or 8 now... especially if they're going to be this length.


	4. Chapter 4

They let him alone for the remainder of the afternoon, for which Levi was immensely grateful. He took the private time in silence, and sat alone in the sun-faded chair, watching the horses in their paddock. 

No Titans. 

The thought rang through his head so loud, it went fuzzy. 

Was it even possible? But, they had _knowledge of_ — 

Like they were myth. 

Bedtime stories. 

It was almost… funny. 

Levi watched the white horse nip its fellow in the rump, causing the other to buck. 

His hand came up to cover a pained, twisted smile. 

Maybe there were more like him out there. Those who had fallen through some previously-unknowable barrier. A mirror. Or— 

Maybe it… what if _he_ materialized out of the myth itself? But _how—_

With each spiral of new, increasingly terrifying ideas, tangled thick, Levi wished he’d had something stronger to drink than water. Nausea pinned him to the chair, and so he watched the horses, and considered his very existence. Or lack thereof. 

Whatever it was, he thought at length, he couldn’t let his guard down. 

Levi removed his jacket, laying it upon his lap. Might not be such a smart thing, wearing his gear out in the open. For now. Until he gathered more clues. 

Fingering inside the breast pocket, his hand curled around Erwin’s tie, pulling it out into the light. It gleamed, bright, as his thumb pressed against its rounded surface. 

“If I ever needed your guidance, old man,” he said under his breath, “it would be now.” 

Feeling only a _bit_ foolish, Levi slipped the tie around his neck, tucking it under his collar and cravat. Despite his solitude, he felt embarrassed heat creep up the back of his neck. In the weeks after Erwin’s death, he’d always kept the memento close to him, but never… like this. 

Orange sunset split across the plains, and it might have been the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

Gin stuck her head out the back door, stirring him. 

“Bout supper time, if you like.” 

Levi stood, adjusting his collar, jacket slung over an arm. He nodded, shoulders drawn straight, and followed the woman inside. 

Crossing the threshold, he paused, lips parted in surprise. Hanging overhead, on crude little strings, tiny bulbs glowed dimly from the ceiling. 

Interesting… 

He catalogued as he went. 

“I appreciate the hospitality,” he offered, moving across the dingy kitchen. To his surprise, it was decidedly… clean. For what it was. 

Sparse and wind-blown, like a fine grit had, over the years—generations— worn away any bit of pigment from every single surface. Cluttered, but well-kept. 

Levi had learned to lower his standards over the years. Not everyone could be held to his level of hypochondria. It’d been… a hard lesson. 

In the center was the family table, rectangular. Ezra was seated at one head stooped. “It ain’t much,” he sniffed, watching Levi’s roaming gaze. 

Certainly better than starving or being eaten alive, Levi thought. Well… whichever was worse. In the end, it was a close draw. 

“Peace and quiet’s hard to come by,” he admitted. “A good, simple life… I can only imagine…” He finger brushed the table; he checked for dirt, but found none. 

Watching Gin ladle brown stew into wooden bowls over a hot hearth, he dropped his jacket on the back of a chair, opposite the old man, and folded himself down into the seat, one leg slung over the other. 

There was something tense, he could sense it. 

“You two don’t seem too concerned about me hunting what supposedly doesn’t exist.” He finally spoke when Gin placed the wooden bowl in front of him, close enough he could read her expression. 

Her brow pulled in, troubled. “Son,” Ezra said with a sigh, Gin moving to sit at his elbow, “we don’t get too many people knocking on our door out of the blue. As long we can help you on your way, you’re business is your own” 

Levi nodded slowly, and took a deliberate bite of stew. It was hot, salty from the re-constituted dried meat. 

His business was his own, huh? 

He didn’t buy it. 

They were scared. But of what? 

_Him?_

Did they think he was deranged? Crazy? 

Well, in the end, he supposed it didn’t matter. There was little reason for him to stay longer than necessary. Perhaps he’d find answers back within the walls. With any luck, his comrades’ fates were similar to his own, and they were out there too. 

\--- 

They sat in silence, and Levi moved food around more than he ate, lost in thought. 

Pushing away from the table, Gin spoke up before he could get a word out. 

“Feel free to sleep upstairs, first room to the left.” 

Levi nodded, and bid the couple goodnight, grabbing his jacket and near dragging himself up the staircase. He was so goddamn tired, and a full stomach only heightened his fatigue. 

His room for the night was sparse, with the small, paint-chipped vanity against the wall. He stood for a long moment in the quiet, relishing it/ 

Tossing his jacket onto the tattered, crochet coverlet, Levi gripped the straight-back chair from in front of the vanity and dragged it to the small window along the wall. The window latch squeaked a bit as he propped the glass open an inch or two. 

The night was warm, and Levi sat with one leg pulled up, so his shoulder and knee were resting against the windowsill. He always felt more comfortable like this, sleeping upright. It’d been occasional occurrence solidified into habit, what with long nights, him and Erwin, reading reports… 

Moonlight played against the side of the barn down below. 

At least like this, he could get a few hours rest. He almost never slept through the night, not even before his pseudo-conscription into the Corps. The memories of that time lulled him into a haze. 

All of a sudden, a spike of anxiety skittered down his spine. 

What if… when he fell asleep… 

Would it be like before? Would he wake here? Back on the floor of the cave with his stomach ripped open? 

The thought gnawed at him, even as exhaustion enveloped his body, head nodding down onto his chest. 

He tried to picture headquarters, a little room illuminated by lamplight, the scratching of a pen on paper. Soft noises in the dark. 

\--- 

Just before dawn, Levi woke with his usual jerking start, like reality had him by the collar and were yanking him back to life. His hand automatically reached for his blades, but stalled mid-way. His body was stiff, cramped; a familiar feeling that filled him with an odd sort of longing. 

Blinking wearily, his gaze focused on the sky outside; pale blue-black with the softest pre-dawn light 

He stood, stretching his stiff back, and turned towards the bed. It was cool out, but did he want to advertise himself with the Scouts’ jacket? He stripped off a case from one of the pillows, stuffed the jacket inside, and moved slowly towards the door. The practice of early mornings, sneaking out of Erwin’s study quietly as not to wake the man, where hours before they’d fallen asleep amidst stacks and stacks of paperwork across the table from each other; it was easy to move through the farmhouse with little sound. 

Downstairs, kitchen was dark, bathed in silver light and long-stretched shadows. 

Into the pillowcase, Levi tossed a few apples from the basket on the counter, along with a strip or two of dried beef. After slipping a sharp kitchen knife into his belt, he stared for a long moment at the scratched and patched-up water skin, heavy with liquid, hanging by the back door. He swallowed, throat dry. 

Turning, he grabbed a small, half-empty wine bottle instead, and slipped outside into the morning chill. 

Quiet as he could, he clicked his tongue as he strode smartly towards the horse paddock. The black mare trotted up, tossing her head. Levi took one of the ropes hanging from the pen’s swinging door, inching the gate open, just wide enough to slip a loose loop around the horses’ neck. The animal nuzzled came forward at the tug, and Levi’s hand stroked down the velvet nose. 

Refastening the paddock’s closure, he led the mare inside the barn. 

He chose the most worn blanket, the most frayed saddle, working the simple metal bit into the mare’s mouth with practiced, detached efficiency. The animal snorted a small puff as it stomped a foot, eager. Levi patted the animal’s haunch as he tied his pouch like a saddlebag, gripping the reins to pull the horse back into the open. 

Levi stopped short. Outside, the old woman was waiting for him, a bundle in her arms. 

“Thought you might run off,” she whispered. Levi frowned, looking away towards the horizon. Gin came forward, pressing a hooded, course-wool cloak into his arms. “I hope you find what you’re looking for out there, young man.” 

Levi snorted, pulling the cloak on and fastening it over his cravat. “Best be careful what we wish for…” His voice died as he saw what else the woman was brandishing at him in her white-knuckled grip. 

“I… I recognized it on your jacket.” The woman didn’t meet his gaze as she held out a dirty scrap of cloth, adorned with a faded Wings of Freedom. 

With a tremble he was barely able to suppress, Levi reached out to touch the fabric. 

“Where did you…?” 

“My grandmother,” the woman said softly, with a far-off look. “I realize she was a troubled woman, but... you don’t seem to know, to understand.” Her voice pitched low. “Titans are beasts in the dark. Those that think they’ve seen them, their resolve is adamant, crazed. There were times as children,” she swallowed, “when we believed that monsters would come over the hills for us… but they never did. It’s gotten better over the decades, the old die and the present becomes faded history.” 

Was that what he was? A faded history? 

“This meant an awful lot to her, though.” Gin’s grip tightened on the patch. “She gave it to me before she died. I’d like you to have it.” 

Levi was about to refuse, but forced the humility down, taking the patch from her hands with near-reverence. Passing his fingers over the dirty stitching, Levi wondered how it’s owned had died. _Where_ its owner had died. _When_. 

“I know Ezra doesn’t want to talk about it,” she admitted. “His father use to have him practice with this old signal flair, but he was taken away for hysteria when Ezra was a little older… We’re old enough to remember theses things, but time keeps marching on.” 

Levi’s face had composed itself into a mask as he stowed the wings in his jacket pocket before swinging onto the horse, pulling the beast around by the reins. 

“Thank you,” he said, sincere. 

“If you stay north-west,” she said, pointing, “you’ll run into the wagon road eventually. A few days. Good luck,” Gin raised her hand in farewell. 

Levi puled the dark hood down before she saw the desperation in his eyes, and kicked the horse into action 

\--- 

They rode well past morning and into the afternoon. He pushed the horse hard, just barely what the horse could take without collapsing hour after hour. 

To stretch his legs, he stood in the saddle, looking out over the terrain, balancing in the stirrups. His body listed back and forth with every heavy stride, but the rhythm was so familiar and addictive. 

For the first time in what felt like ages, a swelling freedom rose in Levi’s chest as the wind whirled against his body, rippling the wool cloak, the horse’s canter steady underneath. 

In the heat of mid-day, Levi stopped them alongside a little creek running parallel to his path. There, he had a bit of the dried meat, a sip of wine, and untied his cravat to dip in the cool, running water before wrapping it loosely around his neck, refreshing against his skin. He let the horse snack on the sparse weeds against the banks, patting her neck as she munched, sweat glistening on her black hide. 

He slept in the open that night, starting out again after a few bouts of hour-long naps, his usual nightly routine, body jerking awake. 

It was two days, jotting north and west, until he hit a well-maintained wagon route. A few hours later, slowing the mare to a gentle trot, the mirage-like lines of a small town grew against the skyline. 

People Out here, days ride away from the edge of the wall. Incredible. 

Levi’s hands gripped the reins tighter as they approached. Rocked in the saddle as he pulled into a slow walk, he watched the people milling about with a strange sense of detached fascination. The mare tossed her head. 

Patting the horse, he dismounted, pulling her forward. Despite the warm day, Levi settled the dark hood over his head, tense with concentration. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter end is a little abrupt, but I wanted to get something out before Christmas. 
> 
> Come visit me on [tumblr!](http://lenacs.tumblr.com/r)
> 
> I've also done a couple Eruri amvs: [Burn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dAwdc_S4M0&feature=youtu.be) & [Who Lives|Who Dies](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb-g92po9Y4)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this chapter delivers. fuuuu

The town itself must have started out a small outpost, grown over the years to include a busy main street and a few side boulevards; a place for merchants to trade outside the walls, perhaps to get around higher tariffs or to sell their goods to non-capitol residents passing through.

Levi noticed and catalogued it all away as he dismounted with saddle-sore legs. He walked the mare down the wide, dirt thoroughfare, past other horse-drawn carts, yipping children, and women with basket-heavy arms, overflowing with vegetables, flowers…

The town was surprisingly busy, and Levi had to step to the side of the road as a strange open-air carriage rumbled down past them, no steed to draw it. Little puffs of smoke curled out a short, soot-covered steel stack out the back end.

Levi watched the buggy go by from under the hood of his coat, eyes narrow.

A man in a smart suit and tall hat rushed by, obviously in a hurry, close enough to Levi’s shoulder that it took very little effort to bump the man, ever so slightly.

“Sorry,” Levi muttered, as they angled by each other. The man let out a grunt, continuing on his way, paying no mind to his coin purse dropping from Levi’s nimble fingers into his pocket.

He weighed the purse by its heaviness against his hip. Felt like it should be enough to get him water, maybe a place to sleep, a weapon of some kind… maybe quarter for the horse. Depends on whatever monetary system they had here. If it was different from what he was used to.

Actually…

At a safe enough distance from his mark, Levi extracted a few of the coins, turning them over in his hand. Looked like they had quarter pieces, a half piece, and a full piece.

They were… slightly different from the ones he knew. The sigils of the walls were still embossed upon the surface. At the thought, his heart leapt strangely. So, the walls were still around, huh? But the coins were octagonal, looked more precisely stamped with sharp-etched detail, and the flip side designs, usually the sigils of the Garrison, the Military Police, and the Corps, were missing. Instead, it looked like a family crest. One he’d never seen before. Perhaps a ruling family?

Levi was turning the coin in his hand when a wail drew his attention, his head snapping up at the sound. The mare’s nose bumped into his shoulder 

Up ahead in the street, a woman in rags was accosting a man in a button-up shirt. Prostrate against the gutter, she pulled on his pant leg.

Her greasy hair stuck out in odd places. “Please, sir!”

“Get off me!” The man shook his leg, like he was shooing off an annoying dog, yapping at his ankles.

“Call the constables!” A bystander yelled. “She’s sick!”

At that, the woman shrank back against the gutter. “I’m not _sick!_ You’ve all just been _lied to!”_

Levi gave the pair, and the onlookers, a wide birth, but couldn’t help himself from peering over at the wretch.

“They’re _real_ ,” she pleaded, searching faces for recognition. _“_ They’re real and they’re going to eat us _all_ if we don’t _get back inside the walls!”_

With a sinking feeling of dread, the woman caught his eye, able to peer up under his hood from her position on the ground. Her dirt-streaked face moved between confusion, recognition, and shock so quickly that she burst into noisy tears.

“Oh!” She tried to get to her feet, but stumbled forward further into the street. With a sick, twisting feeling, Levi realized she hobbled so because her legs were cut off below the knee. The scars looked jagged, carved out, like with teeth. He took a half-step back, fingers gripping the mare’s reins tight. The horse stuttered back as the woman’s scar-streaked arms reached toward him “C-Captain!”

Levi froze in horror. 

The woman pulled herself up as far as she could go, tears streaking tracks through speckled grime. “It can’t be. It _can’t_ be you! If you’re here—if you’re here—” Her chest heaved as some terrible realization dawned upon her. “We’ve lost! We’ve _lost!_ No, no, no… _”_ Her hands pulled at her hair. With a low, desperate sound, she hissed, “You were Humanity’s _Strongest_!”

The words struck him heavy in the chest, free arm twitching over the never-there slit in his stomach, a pain he remembered merely the dream of, and the world seemed to shrink into some kind of tunnel vision. Two men in Military Police uniforms, sans flight gear, rushed in from the side. One held a thick club. The woman saw them coming and tried to pull herself away, in vein, and fell back against the ground.

“Please,” her voice broke. “I was in the MPs too! We’re all in danger!”

“Come on, ya loon,” one of men growled as he and his fellow officer pulled her upright.

“You don’t understand,” she moaned desperate and imploring as they hoisted her up between them. It was clear the officers were hearing none of it. She let out a terrible sound from deep within her chest, fixing Levi with a terrified look. “This is hell. We’re all in hell.”

Levi watched with wide eyes from under his hood, chest burning where the wind was knocked out of him. As they dragged her off down the street, he took a shuttering, slow breath.

“You alright, son?”

He tilted his hood just a bit. “Fine,” he said in a low, forcibly controlled voice while squaring his shoulders. Let it go, he thought, deal with it later.

The man, one of the onlookers, shook his head. “You gotta be careful around those folks. They’ve got the hysteria in ‘em. Keep an eye out or you might go and catch it." 

He fixed the man with the slight upturn of a brow, pulling the mare forward. Despite his intimidating demeanor, he felt shock running through him, adrenalin jumpy in his veins. His options, limited, flashed quickly through his mind.

He needed to get out of the street, he decided. He needed to wait until night and then get the hell out of there. Maybe in the capitol, maybe behind the walls…

There was a saloon at the corner he’d been coming up to. Looked like a bar with a boarding house above. A family Inn. He threaded his way through dispersing crowd, walking the mare to the hitching post along the street in front. He wound the reins about the post with forced detachment.

That woman had known him from a time with titans. She’d said she was Military Police, but the officers hasn’t recognize her. Had she died, like him, only to wake in this new, slightly off-kilter world?

Did… everyone? If so—

That meant _—_

He tried to force that particular thought down as he untied his provisions bag from the saddle. Patting the mare’s neck, he took the steps up to the bar’s wide veranda, pushing the swing-door to the bar with his free hand.

The occupants beyond were the kind of sort Levi would expect to find in a saloon just past mid-day. A few regulars at one end of the bar, faces splotched and reddened, a group of rough looking men playing cards around a table, some lonely a man sleeping alone at a table with his hat pulled down. The bartender, a bald man with a thick moustache, looked up as the door swung closed. 

“I’m looking for a room. And supper,” Levi said, coming up to the bar, hood still pulled forward.

The barman nodded as he wiped out a short glasses with a cloth rag. “That’ll run you about thirty-five for the one night and the meal.”

“Feed and water for my horse as well.” He pulled himself onto one of the bar stools. To his displeasure, he feet didn’t quite touch the ground. “She’s tied out front,” he added.

“That’s another fifteen.”

Levi nodded, pulling the coin purse from his pocket to count out the exact change with meticulous, careful fingers, setting the coins down one by one onto the bar.

The barman whistled around the corner and into the back, where there must have been the kitchens. A young boy came bounding out. “Tend to this man’s horse outside,” the man said, and the young boy quickly complied. “Can I get you anything else for the time being?”

Levi licked his lips. He’d go tomorrow to a merchant for supplies, but he doubted the bar would have any tea, and if they did, it would taste like the rag water. He just wanted to sit down a while and not think about a damn thing

“Rye. Please.”

Levi scrutinized the glass placed before him; trying to see how clean it _really_ was before it was filled from a twine-wrapped bottle. He blinked slowly, giving the glass a sad little frown, shoulders hunched.

The muffled sounds of cards being turned upon a table, coin passing hands, the barkeep’s low-toned hum as he worked, a few patrons coming and going, it all lulled Levi into a sleepy sort of trance. He took a few sips of his drink every now and then, but at the rate he was going, it would take him all night to finish the one glass.

Long shafts of sunlight thrown upon the wall moved slowly as an hour past, then another. Slowly, Levi began to form a new course of action, a new plan of attack. Since it was clear any talk of titans was chalked up to some unknown malady, it would be imprudent to waltz back behind the walls asking around for sensitive information.

Levi gripped the short glass by the rim, moving to stretch his legs by standing next to the bar stool, leaning his hip heavily against it.

He could sneak past the town’s MPs easily enough. He could find out where that woman was being held; question her first.

That way, Levi thought, he’d have a little bit more to go on.

The door to the tavern creaked open, and in walked the heavy sound of footsteps. Perking up, the barkeep looked past Levi’s shoulder.

“Hey now, good to see you round here again,” the barkeep was saying while Levi took another conservative sip, lost in his plans. “Certainly been a while since you passed through town.”

“Hmm,” said a low voice, achingly familiar. “Almost two months now.” A barely-there smile could be heard with, “Nearly forgot what civilization looked like." 

Levi thought he’d finally done it. He’d finally lost whatever thin threads of sanity he’d been holding on to after years of watching his comrades die, of watching them get eaten alive, of choosing death for the man he—

His whole body was seized where he stood, glass paused halfway between his lips and the countertop. Free hand clenched white-knuckled on the bar, Levi willed himself to move, to look, to confirm or deny the presence of his sanity.

He turned slow, placing his glass back down before he dropped it. His jaw clenched painfully as he tugged his hood back, looking out across the tavern.

The man who had spoken caught his gaze, recognized him with widening eyes where he stood, his shoulders broad under an off-white button-up. The flesh of his right bicep ended in a strange metal coupling, like it had been surgically grafted, and in the space that Levi had become accustomed to seeing empty, was a metal replacement of what titan teeth had taken.

“Levi,” the man said, with a touch of wonderment. There was a small firearm at his hip; a rifle slung across his chest. 

Levi had to draw in a long breath before he could manage a formal nod of his head, a reply simple and curt, the picture of a seasoned Captain that had merely been expecting this. Inside, he felt as if the slash across his stomach had ripped him open again.

“Erwin.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't stop u guys  
> help  
> i hope this delivers

“Strong drink you’ve got there,” Erwin said as he watched Levi set the small glass down, as he watched Levi lower himself into a chair across the table.

“I’ve been having a rough couple of days,” Levi muttered. Why did he feel like if he looked up at the man, he might suddenly disappear? He snuck a glance anyway. Erwin had a bit of five o’clock shadow, and it reminded him of Erwin lying in the medical ward with his sleeve pinned up. Only he didn’t look so tired, so careworn. Perhaps older though, just a bit. Plus...

“I can sympathize with the disorientation. I woke up in this poor woman’s bed,” Erwin admitted, and then he had the gall to look embarrassed about it too.

Erwin nodded at the barkeep, who set down a drink. His top shirt button undone, his three-strapped back pack set down between them on the floor. His arms came to cross on the table, and Levi stared at the metal sleeve of Erwin’s right forearm.

Levi snorted. “Better that then on the floor. Underground. Just filthy...” He was mildly impressed with himself. Here he was getting whole sentences to come out of his mouth when he felt like at any moment, he was going to be suddenly, violently ill. Bravo. 

“I remember falling on the battlefield,” Erwin mused, like he was talking about the god damn weather. He reached out for his own drink with his metal hand; a mug of ale. The motor skills weren’t perfect, but the fingers clench well enough to pick up the drink. “I’m assuming you must have moved me.”

A strange feeling shot up Levi’s spine; he was suddenly flush with anger, guilt, embarrassment— “How are you so fucking _calm_ about this?” he hissed, chest tight. He glowered over at Erwin.

“It’s been some time.”

“It’s been _a_ _month_ ,” Levi countered darkly, and that was hardly enough time, in his opinion, to come to grips with what had happened on that rooftop.

Erwin blinked, suddenly pensive, free hand coming up to rub at his chin like he’d suddenly figured out the answer to a long-standing riddle. The expression was a fond memory come to life. Levi’s throat went dry.

“A month…” Erwin echoed, his voice pitched low and almost at a whisper. “That proves it then.”

“Proves… what.”

“Proves that time moves differently here compared to back then.” Erwin watched him over the rim of his cup, tilting his head back slightly to drink.

“It’s been longer than a month for you.”

Erwin grunted in accent. “Almost two years since you allowed me my death charge.”

Levi choked on his drink, covering his mouth with the back of a hand. “Fuck,” he muttered, eyes watering as he glared down at the table. Two _years?!_ “The hell have you been doing for two damn years,” he hissed with a tilt of his chin, motioning to the way Erwin was dressed, his pack, the firearms.

A brief smile flashed across the man’s face. “You wouldn’t believe it.”

“Yeah, go ahead and try me old man.”

“I’m in the Surveyors’ Corp.”

Levi felt a bit dizzy. "Figures."

“It’s an exploratory unit,” Erwin explained, and there was a glint in his eye that gave Levi pause. “I have a commission from the government to chart the land as far out as I can go. Acres and acres of it. ”

The passion in his words unfolded something resting dormant, broken, in Levi’s chest. The drive to _go,_ to _follow,_ to push off in an unknown direction. The selfish thought of their journeying together, side by side, roared and died as a quick fantasy. When he spoke, his voice felt incredibly small. “And just how far have you gotten?” All by yourself, he wanted to add, but didn’t.

Clear blue eyes locked with his. “Far. I’ve seen the ocean.”

Levi didn’t look away. “You have an idea about what’s going on around here, don’t you?” He needed to hear it. _Needed_ to hear that Erwin had a plan, had a grip on things. Erwin was the one thing he’d ever held on to, even after he let Erwin die, like a beacon in a storm. “Why I’m here. Why _you’re_ here. Why there seems to be some that don’t remember…”

“I have a few theories,” Erwin replied curtly, gaze roaming the room again. “But we can’t talk here.”

Levi stood. “Fine then. Let’s go.”

“Of course,” Erwin said after a moment, standing to retrieve his bags. He waved at the bartender, motioning to the drinks.

“You some kind of regular?” Levi needled, taking his own bag and following Erwin to the stairs.

“I don’t bother going to the capitol if I’m only stopping in for a night or two, and this place is moderately clean, for the money.” Perhaps Levi’s compulsivity had rubbed off on Erwin after all. Erwin paused a few steps up, turning slightly. “Did you get yourself a room?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Levi mumbled, motioning the other man to move. “Hurry up.”

Erwin took a key from his pocket as they stepped up to the second landing, pausing at the third door on the right.

Levi glowered, arms folded over his chest. Despite his silence, it was all a mess. It was all so much, so fast, and yet, watching Erwin push open the door like it was the entrance to his office back at headquarters, it was also so _familiar_. Comfortable. _Easy._

It scared him.

A fierce loyalty. A strange affection. 

He'd only been able to find a name for it after letting Erwin die.

Levi watched Erwin drop his pack next to a single, small bed with a single, small nightstand. A single lamp. A single desk. A single chair.

Levi had known what it was like living a month without the other man’s sure grip on things, his headstrong ambition. He couldn’t fathom almost two years being alone. Not after what bond had grown between them. And that thought that had led Levi to his death, after all. 

“How are the others?” Erwin’s back was to him, hand running through his hair.

The question gave Levi a small start. “Alive,” he said, “last time I… checked.” He paused, and then, “Eren was not doing well.” The door felt solid and real against his back. “The shifting will kill him eventually." 

Erwin hummed sadly. “A curse after all.” Levi was silent as the other man turned to sit on the bed, the mattress dipping slightly. He gave Levi a look that made Levi uncomfortable, itchy, like he’d materialized out of Erwin’s memory to stand awkwardly by the door.

“You look the same,” Erwin said eventually.

“You don’t,” Levi shot back whip-quick, eyes narrowed. Erwin smiled, a small thing, and yet it still pinched the corners of his eyes. Levi focused on a spot over the man’s shoulder; he couldn’t look at him.

“Does everyone come here when they die or just… _the lucky_ _ones?”_ He couldn’t tell if his own sarcasm was a put-on or not. Something pulled in him. He wanted to cross over to the table opposite the bed, near the window, and sit down. It would be like before. Holed up in an office. Planning together. Figuring _it_ out.

After the years here, how vivid were those days in Erwin’s memory? Had they faded?

_You look the same._

Perhaps not.

“Everyone I’ve recognized from before, who have recognized me from before, seem to have been previously killed by unnatural causes. Anything titan-related.” Erwin laced his fingers together in his lap. “I suspect it’s been happening for a very long time now. Generations. A slow bleed of our dead into this world.”

“And time goes by faster here comparatively,” Levi supplied, “so those that died years ago…”

A parade of faces, faded with time…

“They probably lived out their lives here, hiding what they knew, creating a life for themselves, or driving themselves mad from it.” Erwin gave him a sorry look. He seemed to weigh his next words. “Some don’t adjust well.”

“I can see why,” Levi said dryly, sliding his gaze from the table back to Erwin, arms crossed against his chest. “Higher-ups too?”

Erwin nodded. “A few. They’ve learned to lay low. The troops arrived a little before I did. Hundreds of people appearing all at once, raving about titans, maimed in all manor of ways. For a long time the people here thought titan talk was occultist, and they’d purge those they thought possessed.” A chill ran through Levi’s body. “But there was a huge push by the senate, by some of the old guard who remembered, to treat it as a mental sickness. Things changed. People were hospitalized rather than persecuted."

“I see you’ve been able to curry favor with the _old guard_.”

“Oh, the arm?”

“Yes.” Levi grit out his words, clearly not amused. “The arm.”

“A prototype. A favor, like you said. I—”

“And the others?” Levi pressed. “The ones who don’t remember?”

Erwin blinked at him. “Born here, I suspect. They seem to be the natives of this place.”

“ _This_ _place?”_ Levi unfolded his arms so he could point out the window with an accusatory finger. “This place is only about ten degrees off from being overrun with man-eating monsters.”

“Parallel realities,” Erwin supplied as a theory, completely serious. “Copies of one another save for just a little bit of difference. Endless iterations perhaps, intersecting at the end of lives. Maybe there are other places off by another ten degrees, more layers of life and death. Like an onion.”

Levi dropped his arm back. Like a fucking onion, he’d said. And of course, as with most harebrained ideas and Erwin, Levi tended to believe him. He unclipped the coarse wool cloak around his neck, finally moving forward to drape it over the chair.

Erwin watched him. “You’ve lost your jacket.”

“It’s in here.” Levi dropped his bag on the table. Fishing into his pocket, he withdrew the old Wings of Freedom Gin had gifted him, placing them on the table too. No wonder they think this is hell. Poor bastards. He shook his head, turning back to Erwin. “And that’s all you know? That’s it? You still haven’t figured out _why?_ ”

“Levi, are you trying to ask me what the meaning of life is?”

He felt heat creep up his neck. “No.”

Erwin gave him a determined look. Confident. Sure of his own conclusions. Like he was about to give a debrief. It was beautiful. “I have theorized… Perhaps our own time was dying, collapsing, and we are being absorbed into some reconfiguration of our own reality. Titans do not exist here,” he said, firmly. “There are problems, of course. Poverty. Corruption. Starvation. Disease. But…" he sighed, and the militarism seemed to retract its claws just a bit, "no titans." He'd changed. "That’s a world I wouldn’t mind ending up in." Levi could see it. "Trying to live in." Two years. "Wouldn't you?”

“Erwin…” Levi closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. “So that’s it? The great Erwin Smith, the most brilliant Commander the Survey Corps had ever seen, in the end, becomes a recluse sketching maps and taking soil samples?” The other man’s lips twitched up on one side, but despite the playful ribbing, words clawed in Levi’s throat. “I let you die,” he said finally.

Erwin’s gaze snapped up. “Pardon?”

“You didn’t die on the battlefield, you insufferable idiot.” The need for affirmation, especially from this man, pushed the words out one by one. “There was a chance to bring you back, with the serum, and I let you die.”

Erwin’s shoulders relaxed, his forearms resting on his knees. “Then once again I have to thank you, Levi.”

The relief was so strong, it made him want to take a knee again, right there, like before. 

Erwin stood from the bed and extended a hand.

“It’s good to see you, Levi. I…” He could see Erwin searching for the right words. He settled on, “I thought you’d outlive my time here.”

Levi glanced at the extended hand with a raised brow and gave a snort, clasping the hand with his own. “Shows how much you know.”

Erwin's grip tightened, and it stilled Levi's breath for a moment. “And here I thought I was the most brilliant Commander the Survey Corps had ever seen,” he quipped, edging them back into casual-banter territory. He let go of Levi's hand and moved away.

“Whatever,” Levi mumbled, watching as Erwin touched where the remainder of his right arm junctured with the metal coupling. The metal arm clicked, rotated, and popped off into Erwin’s hand. The skin underneath was red, shiny with fresher scars than Levi remembered; a few metal-pronged ports were embedded into the muscle. “Does it hurt?”

Erwin rolled a stiff shoulder. “Sometimes. It’s a prototype we’re field testing.” He paused, not turning around, and when he spoke next, his voice was resolute, the echo of a man used to giving orders. “I’m leaving again tomorrow. I have to stock up, post my report, but I’m heading out after that.”

“Well, I’ve got fuck else to do around here,”Levi said. He tried to even out his frustration before it bled into his words and made them harsher than he wanted. “Although, it doesn’t look like you need the…” he glanced at the side table, “extra hand anymore.” Erwin turned to look at him. Levi held his gaze.

“You’re a free man, Levi.”

“No shit, old man. I’m choosing for myself. I’m going with you. It’s the only thing that makes any damn sense anymore. That ever did.”

To his surprise, a look of quiet relief graced the other man’s face, so small, even Levi almost missed it.

“Well, if you’d like. I’d be happy to have you along.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized i suuuuuck at tags. what do i even tag this as you guys??? fangirling like i'm 12 again right here. fuuuuuck these two frreal


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year everyone!

Levi woke the next day like a switch had been flipped, eyes snapping open. He was perched in the small chair by the widow, in Erwin’s room at the Inn. In his sleep, his head must have tilted back against the glass. He rubbed the crook of his neck where it stung, sore. Outside, it was not quite dawn, and it took him a moment to come to grips with the steady rhythm of breathing coming from across the room.

Levi looked over to where Erwin was sitting up atop the sheets, legs out, leaning against the headboard with his chin to his chest.

It wasn’t a dream.

They had spoken well into the evening, on the memories of fallen comrades, on their next course of action. The innkeeper’s daughter brought them meat pies, knocking shyly on the door.

Without rambling too much, Levi revealed what they had learned in the basement. Erwin listened like it were a fascinating story, but the new information did little to provoke a driven flicker in his eye. What could they really do now anyway, Levi supposed. What might have been, what was to be, it was likely all playing out someplace they could almost—never— touch.

In the end, Erwin was still headed west. He _had a job to do_ or whatever. He’d looked skeptical at first, at Levi’s tight-lipped eagerness to join him, but as usual, he relented to the steady steel push of Levi’s will.

He watched the man’s broad shoulders shift with each slow breath.

_Everyone I’ve recognized from before, who have recognized me from before, seem to have been previously killed by unnatural causes. Anything titan-related._

Erwin had been struck in the side with those rocks, thrown at impossible speeds…

His gaze flickered down to Erwin’s side, wondered if there were scars under that shirt, or if it had all been smoothed over. He imagined slow, meticulous fingers rolling up the thin cloth, the heat of skin under a searching hand.

The hell, he thought. Seeing the man die, realizing what _not_ having Erwin around meant for his chances of survival, preferring death to that, seeing him again, no titans, it was all… maybe too much.

Levi ground his back teeth.

As for him, couldn’t remember much about what exactly had sliced him open. Whatever Erwin assumed, Levi could only wonder; they’d hadn’t broached the subject yet.

Whatever it was, it had been fast. Sharp.

His hand moved lazily to the cold handle of the kitchen knife on the table, lying where’d taken it from his belt the previous evening.

Sitting forward, no longer bound tight under his cravat and cloak, Erwin’s tie shifted against his clavicle. It was the only thing that made this all seem real. Even speaking to Erwin, being here, it left a bitter taste on the back of Levi’s tongue. Like he were being too selfish for easily accepting this. Grateful for how seeing Erwin again made him feel. He felt a purpose. He felt alive. Was he ignoring the possibility this was actually some cruel, divine punishment?

Why was it that the only time he ever entertained the idea of god, he expected to be struck down for the things he’d done?

The knife spun as he flicked the handle; it shushed a soft sound of wood and steel and slowed after a turn and a half. He put a finger on the flat side of the blade.

Was this death?

It was an easy thing to slide the pad of his finger up to the point of the knife, draw it down again very carefully, very softly, until a tiny thread of red pushed up to the surface of his skin.

It stung like a paper cut, blood drying quick in the open air.

Maybe they were simply seeds; flung far as the vine curled and died, ready to germ and sow somewhere new.

Levi got to his feet, stretched his back. He felt… disgusting.

By the time he returned from the communal washroom at the end of the hall, the sun was cresting and Erwin was awake. It took time, the meticulous scrubbing of dirt from his body, especially if he only had a sink and small rag to do so.

“Good morning,” Erwin said where he stood by the desk, the Wings in his remaining hand. Levi slowly closed the door behind him with a grunt of _good morning_ right back. Erwin held up the patch. “Are these…?”

Levi shook his head, ends of his hair still damp. “Not yours. Those were a gift. I gave yours to four-eyes before my last battle. I figured I… wouldn’t be coming back.”

Levi could see a muscle twitch in Erwin’s jaw. He knew what that meant, because he did it too when biting back words. Erwin wanted to pry. Maybe he wanted to chastise Levi for letting go, for accepting that he was going to die. Maybe he’d wanted Levi to live his own life.

Idiot.

“I killed the Beast titan,” he says next, because, _fuck._

“Like there was any doubt,” came something laced with familiar humor. There he went, complimenting him again.

“Well, barely, apparently,” Levi huffed, raising an arm to shake out his hair. The motion slipped his collar down on the opposite side. He could see Erwin’s eyes zero in on the dark cord of the tie sliding round his neck, peeking out from below the fabric. “Oh right,” he grunted, hiding the feeling that _he’d been caught._ Notching a thumb under the loop, he yanked it forward, green gem catching the light. “I still have this.” There was a challenge in his eyes as held Erwin’s gaze.

The tips of Erwin’s ears were red, “You kept that?”

“Look, shut up. You can have it back now.” He went to take it off, but Erwin said in that commander’s tone—

“Wait.”

Levi froze, the order rippling through him.

“I don’t want it,” Erwin said, setting the Wings back on the table. A dark look, ghosts of the dead, flickered across his face. “Keep it, if you want. Or pawn it,” he backpedaled, as Levi’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “We could use the extra supply money.”

I’m not fucking pawning it, Levi wanted to snap, but he held his tongue in check. Instead, he left it, and pulled the coin pouch from his breeches pocket. “Well, if _that’s_ what you’re worried about... I think we’ve got enough.”

Erwin raised an eyebrow at him.

They paid for the rooms and the food, arranging to pick up their horses after a supply run. While Erwin went to the letter carriers’, Levi took his heavy purse to the mercantile. New saddle bags, a single-man tent, blankets for both him and the mare, a bar of soap; when Erwin arrived, they picked out a bit of grain, stock, and other dry goods.

It reminded Levi of when they’d run through the Scout’s supply lists, would-be quartermaster’s duties if they’d had the budget for one.

“We don’t need too much,” Erwin told him as they pooled their money. “I’ve got a supply drop we’ll reach after a week.”

Against his wishes, Erwin purchased Levi a small pistol and holster belt. At his protests, he received an impatient look.

Levi kept Gin’s utility knife.

Around back at the Inn, they retrieved their horses. Erwin’s was a thick-muscled mare, speckled and grey, with two heavy-looking packs hanging off each side of the saddle.

Erwin gave him a half-smile as Levi lifted a flap of one of the bags, rocking up on the balls of his feet to peer inside. Twine-tied rolls of maps and parchment were stuffed alongside a metal-linked chain, collapsible wye level, and shiny brass solar compass.

Levi clucked his tongue, giving Erwin a sideways look. “So, that’s what being full-funded looks like.”

Erwin helped Levi with his saddle, removing it to replace the blanket underneath, metal arm glinting in the light. Levi bent to synch the billet strap back in place when they were done.

Straightening up, Levi eyed the folded-up letter in Erwin’s breast pocket. It had appeared upon his return from the postmaster’s. “Those your new orders?”

Erwin nodded, pulling the letter out and handing it over. The paper felt thick and expensive between Levi’s fingers.

“Even without the threat of titans, people have been slow to colonize beyond the walls,” Erwin explained as Levi skimmed the commission. “Save small expeditions and out-postings of course. There’s decent farming land to the south and to the east, so in those directions people have created some settlements, but the west route can be a bit perilous when you get out far enough.”

Levi thumbed at the wax seal at the bottom of the letter. “So, what, you’re objective is to explore and report back?”

“To find a practical route out west, yes. Find good places for new towns; see what’s out there. Map and study what I can. I’ve been making supply runs to my mid-way point for a few months now.”

“You’re stocking up for a big trip; won’t be back for a while.”

“That’s right.”

Levi sighed, folding the letter and handing it back. “You think we need a pack mule?”

“I travel light enough.”

To Erwin’s credit, he didn’t ask if Levi was “sure” he wanted to come along or anything ridiculous like that. Levi was thankful. A sign; at least some things hadn’t changed, he thought, swinging up onto the horses’ back. They left the town by its little-used west road.

At first, Levi kept to Erwin’s flank, a few paces behind. It was a familiar Scouts formation, and a familiar sight, the straight-backed way Erwin rode. He’d known for a while that Erwin learned in his youth, and the nobles’ style of stiff posting with every gait hovered just below the surface.

As if sensing a pair of eyes, Erwin turned his head slightly, and Levi kicked forward so their horses were level, slipped into an equal jog. At this rate, he figured, they’d cover around twenty-five miles a day, give or take.

“So. Anything else I need to know about this screwed-up place?” He looked straight ahead. “Acid rain? Giant fucking birds or whatever?”

Erwin chuckled, a good sound. “Not as far as I can tell.”

“That’s fortunate,” Levi said quietly. After a moment, he added, “I’m assuming the slums are still around. Underground.”

“Yes.”

“Pfh. Figures. Humanity’s screwed up no matter where you go...”

The town behind them shrank into the distance; Levi twisted in his seat to have a final look. “And here I was trying to go back north.”

“Back to the walls?”

Levi twisted back again, body rocking steady in the saddle. “Where the hell else was I supposed to go but back?”

They stopped to feed and water the horses, making it all the way to what Erwin called Grey Basin by dusk. The lake was set like a deep soup bowl into the surrounding plains, the water exquisitely clear, off-white slab rocks along the bottom reflecting the evening light.

“Did you name this one?” Levi asked, mildly impressed, as they stood on one side of the steep cliff.

“No. This was already in the official maps.”

“Pity.”

They made camp under the clear sky, filling their water skins in the lake and rolling their blankets out after clearing a spot of rocks. Warmed by summer, moon full and high, they forwent a small fire.

“Dried food will do for now,” Erwin said after they’d shared a bit of salted meat, “but we’ll go hunting soon enough. I have an extra rifle in the cache.”

Fresh meat sounded divine, but going hunting meant skinning the carcass; it was foul work.

“Aren’t I lucky,” Levi grunted as he lay back on his blanket, arms crossed under his head.

Erwin sighed, reclining against his pack.

Levi glanced over. “You do that too? Always sit up when you sleep?”

“Force of habit,” Erwin mumbled. “Too many nights in a damn chair.”

“Hah. Those were the days…”

There was a pause, and then Erwin said with a hum, “Yes. They were.”

Levi slept fitfully, as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'll trying to kill me 
> 
> cc welcome ;D


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written pretty much exclusively to "Love on the Brain" so, there's that

Mountains appeared in the distance a few days later. Immense, even though they were very far off; tall and white-capped by clouds and no doubt snow in the winter. They rose like jagged spikes of a serpent’s tail to the right of their route, continuing northwesterly until out of sight.

On horseback, they filled the time with bits of talk, mostly Levi pressing Erwin for as much information as possible. It was the only way for him to assess the situation, get a handle on things.

Was there a King? No, this government ran on an elected senate.

Where did Erwin go after waking up in the city? Back to headquarters, of course.

Were there soldiers there? Yes and No. The whole place had become something of a governmental branch, dealing with land management under the ruling body.

“Did they know you?”

“Moblit was there.” Erwin leaned forward to scratch his horse behind the ear.

“Huh. No shit…” Levi swallowed thickly, and thought of Hanji. Their relationship had been a bit strained in his last weeks.

Here, there was a long-standing group of older veterans who’d help along any new arrivals, especially former MP and Survey Corps members— if they could get their hands on them before the institutions did.

“It’s fascinating,” Erwin mused, gaze unfocused as he recalled the memory. “Like a secret society of those who were from before, who knew what would happen if they spoke too freely. They helped secure me this position. It was a good support group.” With a tinge of sadness, he added, “Some are not so lucky.”

Erwin’s voice strummed a melancholic chord. He felt guilty. Of course he did. He should let himself have this, Levi thought. He deserved this kind of quiet life.

Hell, they both did.

They _deserved_ it.

And still, Levi recognized a creeping wave of guilt. He felt it. He knew Erwin felt it.

“Bet Berner still drinks like a fucking fish,” he said, trying to pull them both back from self-reproach.

Erwin chuckled, a small triumph. “About the same amount.”

“Like I said.”

Sometimes, they didn’t speak at all, and there hung a comfortable silence for hours. The sheer gift of having Erwin at his side was sometimes more than Levi could stand because—fuck—it was perfect.

The strange frustration led him to twitch his mare forward, but also pull back on the reins so as not to gallop suddenly ahead. The horse whinnied, tossing her head, wanting Levi to give into the impulse to _go_. _Fast_.

Erwin glanced over, a light sheen of sweat speckling his brow.

“Come on, old man,” Levi dug with a competitive smirk. He kicked the mare, and the horse coiled and sprung forward. The sudden change flung him back against the saddle, but he’d been riding long enough to know how to hang on.

They couldn’t go too fast, the packs were too heavy to push too hard, but Erwin was on his tail before long, a determined half-smile plastered on his face when Levi threw a look back at him. The ground passed blurry underneath.

At length, the mare huffed with strain, and Levi eased back, Erwin shooting past him.

There was a lingering smile lighting his face when Levi finally caught back up in a slow trot. “That felt good,” he said, chest rising a falling a little quicker than normal.

“Yeah…” Levi replied, heart beating fast from the thrill, “but now we’ll have to walk the horses for a bit.”

Their on-foot pace was slow, but it felt good to stretch their legs. Erwin’s horse nibbled at his shoulder as they went. Levi was put in charge of the map.

“So, you’re stockpile is here?” Levi held the map with one hand, pointing with the other, reins thrown forward over his shoulder. His finger traced a small area where the land split into a wide Y. The lower fork headed south toward water, the upper fork more north toward the mountains.

Erwin reached over with his replacement hand, a finger pointing out a little farther left from the Y; the rest of the digits curled gently into the palm. Levi couldn’t help but stare.

“It’s in the forest here.”

Even the joints in the metal fingers moved, like a gauntlet. Up close, Levi could see scratches in the iron; pits and divots in the plating.

“Oiy, Erwin…”

“Yes?”

“I can’t tell if that thing’s creepy or not.”

Erwin rolled up his sleeve to the elbow. “It’s the fourth model. A friend received a grant.” The elbow joint wasn’t particularly smooth, but it bent well enough. The look he gave Levi was warm. “What do you _really_ think?”

It had always stirred something, maybe a kind of pleasure in him, whenever Erwin asked for his honest opinion. Erwin was the smartest person he knew, and having him ask for Levi’s counsel always felt like an honor.

“Must make taking a shit easier,” he grunted, feeling a bit hot.

“True poetry. I don’t know how I ever lived without it.”

“A fucking miracle you surviv—” Levi’s voice broke off.

What the hell was he saying?

“Don’t look so stricken,” Erwin chided, a gentle order touched with concern.

Levi shook his head, letting the map roll up in his hand. “How do you get use to this? One minute I’m expecting a titan to come bearing down on us, the next it’s like…”

“We’re somewhere else.”

Levi looked away. “Something like that.”

“Mmm. It’s the same with the older veterans. Like you’re not sure which reality is the dream. It lingers, feels like it overlaps... but it’s easier when you have someone to talk to…. I am glad you decided to come with me,” Erwin pressed, like he had asked for something selfish.

Did Erwin not realize? Being by his side was as easy as breathing.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Levi closed his eyes defiantly, chin tilted up. Indigence was a good enough cover for embarrassment. “I’m starting to think it’s just survival instinct. Like cleaning,” he added, a necessary clarification.

Erwin chuckled.

 

 

By the end of day seven, a thick swath of boreal trees began to crowd in from the south. They were reaching the Y in the road. A few more miles.

“This way.” Erwin said, and led them off the trail into the edge of the forest. “We’ll camp at the site for few nights,” he said over his shoulder as Levi’s mare fell in line behind, “then start up toward the mountain range once we’ve had a bit of rest. Us and the horses.”

“Whatever you say.” Levi smirked with a bit of satisfaction as Erwin had to duck under a few low-hanging branches.

Watching Erwin’s back sway gently in the saddle, even without the wrapped-in-green wings, Levi realized that he was at his most contented when following this other man’s lead. This _one_ man.

It was difficult to reconcile this revelation with the feeling of determined loyalty he had during the war. He never really could have called _that_ time being “happy,” but he’d certainly been at ease with letting Erwin hold his life in his hands. Comforted. The horrors they faced were lessened, by just a degree, by the knowledge that Levi could move mountains when Erwin was there beside him. Because he trusted him. Maybe more than he trusted himself.

It was a feeling that had been thrown into sharp relief upon seeing Erwin again, something his death had made too clear with absence.

That Erwin was vital to his happiness, his fulfillment, spread down even into Levi’s toes.

“Erwin.”

“Hmm?” The man tilted his head slightly, not turning around.

Levi stared at the back of his stupid blonde head. “Thank you.”

There was a long moment’s pause, and in that space were the sounds of their horses crunching down on needles and dry leaves.

“Thank _you_ , Levi.”

He lowered his gaze to his hands, and their fierce clench on the leather reins.

 

 

The cache was a little place hidden away in a grove of thick-trunked redwoods. Erwin dismounted first, leading his horse into the cluster of trees, where a fire pit had been cleared away a few feet from a small hand-constructed shed, a little lean-to a few feet wide and long, a sturdy looking lock on the front.

“Here—”

Erwin tossed over a small key on a string. Levi caught it easily with one hand.

“Go ahead and open it up.” Erwin maneuvered his mare around him. “I’ll take the horses to graze.”

Levi swung down from his saddle, handing Erwin the reins, twirling the key on a finger. He watched Erwin‘s retreating back a few moments before stalking over toward the shed.

The door stuck a little bit on the uneven ground, but Levi managed to unlock and haul it open. Light poured into the dark, damp little room, and Levi’s heart stilled.

Along side the extra surveying equipment in the left corner, the boxes of ammunition to his right, long-barreled hunting rifle mounted on the side, were more… personal effects.

On the far wall hung Erwin’s green cloak, pinned in a way that the back was unfurled, barring his Wings. A rusted set of gear lay leaning on the ground, next to a few scratched up canisters, maybe filled with gas, but more likely empty. On an up-turned box there sat a row of signal flairs, red and green, and a pair of firing guns.

A fishing rod, a maul, a pile of chopped wood, =stacks of canned goods—

Standing there in the door, looking up at the Wings on the wall, something hallowed flashed through him. As if those wings held the power of god.

The feeling of being watched gave him a sudden start.

He turned to see Erwin standing a few paces off, the saddlebags thrown over his shoulders. The light in the clearing caught him with his lips parted slightly, eyes clear and unclouded by death, caught on the stubble along the strong angle of his jaw.

“You’re going to throw your back out, you fool.” He meant it as a well-meaning dig, back to their old tricks, but the words came out softer and more familiar then he’d ever intended. Erwin didn’t protest as he stepped over to pull half the burden from his arms.

They set to work organizing their recent purchases inside the shed, Erwin digging up a tinderbox for their evening fire. Levi found some cans of pickled vegetables and a jar of soaked and re-dried legumes.

“There’s an cook pot around here somewhere,” Erwin muttered by the door, rubbing his jaw with a thoughtful hand. “But I’m not sure where I put it.”

“That’s because it’s a fucking mess in here,” Levi shot back, muffled where he was skirting around the old maneuver gear, having gone and tied his cravat over his nose a mouth. He frowned, but all Erwin could see were two stern eyes quietly judging him.

“It’s not that bad.”

Levi snorted, certainly unappreciative of the mirth bubbling just below Erwin’s denial. It’s like he enjoyed it when Levi nagged him.

What a thought.

They found the pot eventually, with a lid even; unearthed it from behind a roll of coarse canvas and three thick metal tent poles.

Levi lit the fire, while Erwin set the canvas into tent.

They had their duties. They worked quietly.

It was peaceful.

Over his clasped hands, into which he blew puffs of air to fan sparks into tinder, Levi watched Erwin push the two standard poles of the tent into place, baring down with his metal hand as it sunk into the earth.

Levi didn’t really mind it.

The arm.

Erwin looked like he was enjoying himself. That was enough.

Laying the small, smoking bundle under the kindling, Levi ducked and blew the flames higher. The logs cracked. He saw Erwin glance over from where he was setting the ridgepole.

Earlier, Levi had drawn water from the stream they’d crossed on their way, and into the pot he added the beans, canned vegetables, a bit of their jerky, and some of the spice they’d bought in town.

During the cook time, they’d discovered only a single, bent metal spoon in the shack, and little else in the way of plausible utensils.

Levi sighed as he sunk down on his log seat in front of the flames, holding the spoon up at Erwin, who was sitting across the fire. “For fucks sake.”

Erwin’s lip twitched.

In the end, Levi used the lid as a plate, gave up the spoon, and used the flat side of his utility knife instead. Erwin scooped mouthfuls from the pot.

They sat quietly, blinking idly over the fire at each other.

“This is when we’d be reading over the day’s report,” Erwin said, eyes trailing down toward the flames.

He thought fondly on those times as well, huh.

Levi snorted with a nostalgic half-smile. “Two old men squinting in the dark.” The tick of the clock; flickers of candlelight. “Four-eyes would come barging in at some odd hour.” He remembered how annoyed he’d been, back when he had the luxury of being annoyed by something so trivial.

Erwin’s eyes squinted with the upturn of his mouth. “Naturally.”

“They took command rather well, you should know,” Levi added, leaning back.

“I hoped as much.”

If they did end the war, stay live, Hanji and the brats, they shouldn’t see them all for a very long time, if ever. Levi was… okay with that.

“So,” he set his plate aside. “I saw that old gear you’ve got. Think it’ll fly?” He couldn’t help the way the gear had conjured images of arcing through the tall redwoods. It made a fluttering in his chest. He bit his tongue with deliberate pressure.

“I’m not sure I’d hold my breath on that set-up if I were you,” Erwin looked as disappointed as Levi felt. “The cables are rusty. I wouldn’t trust it to hold my weight.”

“Well, no. You’re huge.”

“Ah, of course, how could I forget.”

Levi snorted. “You’re lucky I’m around.”

“I know.” Erwin’s tone dropped low, and it seemed to suck all the air out of the conversation. “I know that, Levi.”

“Good. I won’t have to keep reminding you then,” Levi said with forced finality, maybe even a lingering note of banter, but it was always a pleasing— embarrassing— to be reminded how much Erwin felt he depended on him. Trusted him; even in the end.

Levi was beginning to think this dance they did, of surviving together, thriving off one another, was something neither of them felt completely whole without.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't wait for the next chapter >.>   
> hehehe...


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was written while Wing$ by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis played over and over and over and over

Levi woke just before dawn, lying on his side in the tent, chilled even under his wool blanket. Outside, the morning opened slow and heavy and thick with silver fog.

Across the tent, Erwin carried on snoring softly, replacement arm flung across the empty space beside his head. They’d slept in a head-toe pattern, like recruits.

Knowing the other man was there; Levi allowed himself a few moments of contentment. Lying quietly, staring at his loosely clenched hands under the hem of his blanket, Levi was a bit surprised he’d slept as soundly as he did. Erwin really did have a certain _effect_ on him…

His fingers curled slowly into fists.

He was tired of pretending that the wanting to be by Erwin’s side for the simple pleasure of it, met with the knowledge that Erwin preferred him near, didn’t twist something new inside him. Their camaraderie and chemistry was personal; it clearly extended beyond necessity.

Something so bitter, so ugly as war, had revealed to Levi a person he’d been able to respect. A person who gave his life a certain meaning that had, remarkably, flourished. He never thought he’d find that. He thought it had died with his mother.

This strange circumstance, this ten-degrees-off, it provided opportunity, did it not?

Levi rubbed his temples, fingers cold.

He needed to tell him, he realized, with a swell that made his cold limbs feel less so. He needed to tell Erwin that his endearment was deeper than a Captain to his Commander. Erwin deserved that knowledge.

With first light, he sat up, blanket falling into his lap.

Maybe Erwin had coffee stored away in the shed…

There was the distinct impulse to reach out and touch the man sleeping beside him, perhaps to make sure he was really there. To draw him closer. There were earlier times when that feeling had flared within him, mostly upon seeing Erwin asleep at his desk, surrounded by papers. There weren’t any reports between them now.

He frowned at himself, tearing his gaze away.

Coffee was a poor substitute for tea, but honestly, the morning chill was preferable to sitting there, staring at Erwin’s sleep-slacked expression for another agonizing moment.

Levi slipped from under the blanket, not having undressed the night before. Smart idea, considering the frost, he thought, grabbing the cravat from his pocket. Ducking out of the tent, he got to his feet with just a kiss of stiffness and stretched his limbs.

How was going to tell Erwin? That he thought they _fit_ , or whatever the hell. He looked around the campsite, like it would give him an answer.

The problem was frustrating, but he wasn’t wrong about this.

They’d left the shed closed but unlocked. Levi only had to pry it open a little in order to slip inside, light slanting through the gaps between the boards. His eyes darted to the Wings, gear on the ground below like an offering, before turning to the rest of the mess.

“So fucking disorganized,” he mumbled to himself, picking over the supplies, cravat pressed to his nose and mouth.

His searching wandered him closer to the gas canisters and flight harness just _lying_ there _…_

Levi paused, standing up straight, and turned to glare, like the gear had offended him. He ground his jaw.

With a self-defeating sigh, he moved forward, crouching down and shaking the gas canisters in their harnesses. Not even half full. Probably bleeding a slow stream for who knows how long. But, it was enough for a few minutes…

His hands roamed over each strap, checking for tears in the leather. The action felt so familiar there came melancholic pang at the weight of the buckles between his fingers. Except, he felt no curling dread of soon-dead comrades as he sunk down onto an upturned crate, slipped his boot off, and slid his heel down into the leg holster. The pressure on his shoulders, around his chest, the muscle memory of faded bruises—

Nimble fingers tied the cravat back around his neck as he existed the lean-to. Just a quick flight, he told himself, just a taste—

Their camp was quiet; Erwin was still asleep. Levi walked past the tent without looking, beyond the fire pit to the edge of the grove.

He clicked the cable trigger a few times with the safety on. It seemed to engage all right. Maybe it felt a little stiff. Nothing he wasn’t use to.

With a flick of his thumb he turned off the release guard and engaged the trigger. The cable hissed out of the housing, and he felt the hook _thunk_ into some tree limb high above, the tension ripping him forward and off the ground.

Takeoff always flattened Levi’s stomach against his spine, giving him that strange feeling of sudden-altered gravity, but as he swung upward, the first anchor releasing and the next cable driving its point farther ahead, he settled into a familiar rhythm.

Up here, his head was clear. No messy thoughts about what death had robbed him of, or what impossible circumstances had brought back to him.

Levi allowed his next anchor to extend almost the whole way, his body sweeping dangerously close to the fast-moving forest floor, rushing air, before he used the inertia to shoot up at full speed toward the canopy. He released the cable, letting the gas give him a quick push, so his body punched through the treetops unabated into the pale morning sunlight.

The momentum kicked his legs out in front of him, so he rolled into a backspin easily, and in the moment his inertia was spent, where his body seemed weightless in the air, he closed his eyes for one brief, sweet heartbeat.

That feeling, that freedom, it never lasted.

He began to fall, and the air whistled on his descent as he plummeted headfirst back toward the treetops. He watched the sharp branches rush up to meet him, timed the entry perfectly, and engaged both cables to slow his descent. The hooks fastened into a branch half way down.

He knew something was about to go terribly wrong the moment he heard the strange, metallic sound of too-tense wires being pulled taunt; stretched beyond their limits.

The cable on his right hip snapped, frayed wires auto-retracting into the gearbox.

He tilted.

_Shit._

The ground was still coming up fast, and he was too low to swing clear, no second wire to re-position him on a higher trajectory.

Levi braced, and at the last second, as the leaf and twig strewn forest floor rushed up to fill his vision, he disengaged the remaining cable. It snapped back just as he hit the ground with bended knee, trying to roll off the momentum. The speed threw his body end-over-end before he came skidding to a stop on his stomach.

In an instant it was over, and the forest was quiet as he tried to suck in breath, the wind having been knocked out him. His legs were numb with the force of impact, but they moved without any shooting pain; he could feel his toes.

“Fuck,” Levi groaned, pushing against the earth, decomposing leaves and wet soil crushed under his fingers. His arms twitched with strain as he righted himself, crouched and wobbly, until he sat back against the ground with a hiss of frustration, body throbbing.

He hadn’t had a fall like that in a long time.

Pulling out the frayed end of the wire, he could see a bit of buildup on the once-woven strands of metal. Water damage, he thought with a snarl, letting the cable retract with a _zzip._ Overuse and inadequate maintenance. It was the reason he’d been so meticulous with his own gear. If only he hadn’t dumped it.

He pushed down the sting of regret.

Erwin had tried to tell him the gear was too old, but the compulsion to fly had been so strong…

Levi chuckled darkly as he slowly stood back up, dusting himself off. Shouldn’t he have known by now to listen?

Flush with anger, he detached himself from the cable boxes, but the movement made him flinch as a sharp sting flared in his side. He twisted around to a thin slash, long as his palm, curling from his side around to his back, positioned just so he couldn’t bend properly to really see it.

He must have caught a rock. Maybe a stick or fallen branch.

The wound was shallow, but it still stuck his ripped shirt to his skin with a bright smear of blood. He didn’t dare touch it to explore further, lest he dirty the wound.

On the opposite shoulder, he hoisted up the broken gear. It was going to be a long walk back to camp.

 

 

By the time he made it to the clearing, the morning fog had dissipated, and white smoke unfurled from the fire pit into the treetops. The door to the shed was open, and Levi could hear rummaging coming from inside all the way from the edge of camp. A few moments later, Erwin came striding out with a jar of something in his hand, hair messily flattened down. He caught sight of Levi just as the other man was near enough to drop the broken gear with a groan.

“I had a feeling you…”

Erwin trailed off, stride slowing as he drew closer.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Levi stretched his neck. “I’m fine. Mostly.” Levi looked at the ground, angry with himself more than anything. “This isn’t though,” he added, with a less-than-enthusiastic kick at the cable boxes.

Erwin set the jar on one of the log seats by the fire, gaze flicking from the dented gear back to Levi’s face.

“Well… you’re a mess,” he said finally, with a hint of dark humor, although his brows were drawn in and his lips were pressed tight. It was that balance between disapproval and concern that Levi had practically always been able to recognize.

Levi lifted his right arm a bit, exposing the cut in his side, more than a touch of self-deprecation twisting his mouth into a frown. “You might have to play field medic.”

To Erwin’s credit, he didn’t utter a single roundabout _I told you so_ , which was one of the reasons Levi’s appreciation ran deep; right into his heart.

“Alright,” Erwin said, “let me take a look.”

Levi unhooked the flight straps from around his shoulders and chest, pulling the tangle of leather down to his hips. The releasing pressure nearly made him sigh.

He angled his face away as Erwin took another step toward him, and another, until he was kneeling down beside him. Slow, meticulous fingers rolled up the thin cloth of Levi’s shirt, and he could feel the pressure of two, warm fingertips to the side of where the skin was broken. The touch made him sip a slow, short hiss out his clenched teeth, and at their soft retraction, gooseflesh rose in their wake.

“It’s not deep at all,” Erwin murmured. “Hold on a moment.” He moved away; stood back up to retrieve a small first aid pouch from his saddlebag. A bit of ointment and gauze. Levi knew the drill.

Supplies tucked in the crook of his arm, Erwin knelt again, and Levi could feel the strange contrast between the metal fingertips of Erwin’s new arm and the warmth of his other fingers.

He flinched as a cold cloth, wet from the canteen, pressed against his skin.

“Sorry,” Erwin mumbled in concentration as he patted the spot dry and smeared a thumbing of ointment along the length of the cut. The sweeping contact made Levi’s muscles tense in order to suppress a shiver.

“Just like the old days,” Levi whispered, unwittingly bare, recalling post-mission meetings where they’d stitch each other back up again, sometimes quite literally.

“Hm?” A patch of gauze pressed down to adhere to the tacky disinfectant.

“Nothing…” Levi blinked slow, gazing out into the trees. Without glancing to the man at his side, he set his jaw, and added, “Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?” He felt Erwin finish his work and pull back, probably balancing back on his heels so he could see Levi’s profile. The searching gaze made him uncomfortable. “I know I’m _difficult_ —”

Erwin’s sharp burst of laughter caught him off guard. Levi took a step back to turn and look at him with a fierce expression. Erwin ducked his head, but he caught the smile before it disappeared. 

“What?” He snapped, feeling flush. He could hear Erwin chuckle as he stood, hands bracing on his stiff knees. Levi smoothed back down his shirt, trying to swallow unkind words to hide his embarrassment.

“That might be the biggest understatement I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing.” Erwin stood up straight, hands hooked loosely on his hips. A fond expression pinched the corners of his eyes

“Oh shut up,” Levi groused, but before Erwin could move away, his hand shot out, fisting a handful of Erwin’s shirt to anchor him in place. Levi stared, as if his fingers had just betrayed him. “ _W_ _ait_ ,” he heard himself say. Straightening his shoulders, fingers tight in the cotton fabric, he sniffed with disapproval. “You’re always… moving.”

Erwin frowned with concern, as if he were oblivious to the death-hold Levi had on him. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

_Fuck._

Levi glared up at Erwin with a vehemence that only seemed to disarm the other man further. “You deserve to know. You’re the only one I've ever trusted like this.”

Erwin nodded slowly, trying to decipher the other man’s meaning. “I never doubted your loyalty, Levi.” His frown deepened. “If you’re still thinking about Shiganshina--”

“That’s _not—”_ Levi’s hand jerked back, pulling Erwin closer. “That’s not what I mean, you fool,” he hissed. How could a man so utterly brilliant be so infuriatingly clueless? “I’m trying to _tell you_ , damn it; you were the only reason that nightmare we lived through was even the least bit _bearable.”_

Erwin’s lips parted in surprise, but his hand came up to press Levi’s harder against his chest. They were both frozen like that, until Erwin said, “It… is funny how we effected each other so similarly. How we fed off our preference for one another.” For a moment he looked nostalgic. “You mentioned trust-- I came to trust you so completely, Levi. I wanted you at my side until the end.”

"I’d kill you a thousand times if that’s what you wanted. And—” Levi swallowed hard, like he couldn’t believe the words that’d been floating around in his brain were finally coming out his mouth. “I’d be a fool not to know that's love.”

Erwin flushed, exceedingly endearing, and chuckled. “I never did feel more at peace than in those hours we spent ruining our eyesight over boring budget requests and mission reports."

With how Erwin was looking at him, Levi had to do _something_ to try and avoid that pleasant, jumpy feeling. “Paperwork,” he feigned feeling slighted, “of course. How could I be so blind to the true object of your affection?” His fingers let go of Erwin’s shirt, but the other man’s hand kept him pinned. Levi could feel his heartbeat. “If you trusted me so much, why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I think you’re right, Levi. You _are_ rather difficult...”

“Don’t ignore the question, old man,” he growled.

Erwin pressed his lips together. “It sounds harsh but… it didn’t matter. Your feelings for me, how much I came to regard you as something beyond a subordinate, beyond a friend… our mutual happiness was a low priority.” Levi closed his eyes and nodded. He understood. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t come to love you.”

Erwin let himself be drawn down, always cautious, curiously waiting for Levi to determine the most comfortable distance between them.

“You better be good at this,” Levi mumbled, their faces very close. Erwin smirked, and Levi kissed him.

The touch was almost experimental, closed mouth and pinched, and Levi had so little breath in his lungs at the start, he had to pull away moments later with an embarrassing _smack_. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“And you were asking if _I_ were good?” Erwin teased, sounding a bit breathless himself as he stood bent down to Levi’s level. His words deliberately needled the other man’s pride.

A muscle in Levi’s jaw twitched. “It’s not like _I’ve_ had much practice,” he shot back, “unlike, apparently, the _great_ Erwin Sm—”

His words were swallowed as Erwin swept down and caught Levi’s open mouth with his own, causing a muffled sound of warm surprise to roll in the back of Levi’s throat. Erwin’s other arm came to press firm and cool across his back, deepening the contact as he swept his tongue past Levi’s lower lip.

_Shit._

This was the one thing, he realized with blistering clarity, letting Erwin take possession of his mouth, the one thing he could be selfish about. And when he searched for that familiar creeping guilt in the back of his mind, reminding him that he didn’t deserve this, he couldn't find it.

By the time Levi gathered enough of his wits about him to kiss Erwin back with equal vigor, Erwin pulled away. “Better?” He asked, no longer trying to hide his smile, looking at Levi like he’d finally gotten all he wanted.

Levi licked his lips, breathing heavy in the air between them. “Still pretty shitty, actually. You’re going to need a bit more practice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh this chapter took me sooooo loooong I'm soooorrry orz


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like agonizingly drawn-out smut. Um… >.>

There was a certain kind of quiet Levi had found, briefly here and there during the years, where the constant turning cogs of _scheme, kill, survive, mourn_ ground to a sudden halt.

He remembered once, after a particularly successful mission, where the bonfires in the Corps courtyard were lit as a celebration instead of funeral pyres. There had been a moment there in the back with Erwin, watching the rest of the soldiers in their revelry, where he’d felt at peace enough to simply enjoy the noise and rabble for what it was— _life._

Those moments were so fleeting. At times, Levi swore they were nothing more than fragments of half-remembered dreams.

It was like that now, like he dreamed fisting the front of Erwin’s shirt between his fingers and hauling him down for a kiss. One kiss had turned into two, into three… into Erwin’s hands on his shoulders and Erwin’s tongue licking into his mouth.

Only the burn of embarrassment on the back of Levi’s neck seemed to remind him that, no, he was wide-awake. And no, the earth was not going to suddenly open up and swallow him whole. But yes, Erwin’s lips were warm and it was funny the way they were both trying to crush their mouths together while also trying to move as little as possible. Like the moment would burst if not handled properly.

And underneath it all, there was that swell of oft unattainable, quiet contentment.

 _Life_ , just being what it was.

When the air in their lungs was spent, they leaned away from each other. Turning his head, Levi wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve for the third or forth time since they’d started. It was a wonder how anything so objectively disgusting felt so much like pleasure when it was with Erwin.

Erwin looked pleased with himself. “How’s that for practice?”

“You’re unbelievable,” Levi managed, raking in a breath. Erwin’s hands were still cupping his upper arms. “All those nights doing reports, and we could have been doing _that_.”

“Wouldn’t have been right. Not then. Not during—”

“I know,” Levi tried to snap, but it came out more tired than annoyed. “But to think we both had to kick the bucket and end up _here_ to realize…”

They were both silent then, and over Erwin’s shoulder, Levi saw the fire had nearly burnt out.

Erwin’s hands slipped away as he turned to follow Levi’s gaze. “Ah,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “I wanted to have that finished by the time you returned.”

Levi’s eyebrows jumped. “Breakfast?”

“I was off to check the traps before you interrupted me. How long has it been since you’ve had fresh rabbit?”

Levi swallowed. He still felt hot, flushed, mouth sore and stinging. He either wanted to grab hold of Erwin again or throw something. He couldn’t decide which. “A while,” he answered curtly. “Do you want me to put that back or something?” He added, gesturing down at the medical satchel.

“I’ve got it.” Erwin bent to gather up the supplies.

Levi grunted, unable to hold any kind of eye contact. It was only after the other man turned his back, heading toward his saddlebags, that Levi sneaked a glance. He wasn’t particularly… enthusiastic about physical affection, but simply watching the other man bustle about made Levi want to sink his hands right down into him.

Such thoughts, possessive in nature, were usually accompanied by indignation— anger— at some objectively stupid decision Erwin had made. Possession had made Levi want to break the man’s damn legs. But this time, there was distinct unhurried nature in the way he imagined finally pinning Erwin down under the weight of just how much he drove him crazy.  

“Shit…”

“Hm?” Erwin was tucking a hunting knife into his belt as he returned. “Did you say something?”

“It’s nothing,” Levi frowned. Thoughtful concern was evident in the plant of other man’s hip. He clearly wasn’t buying it. “It…” Levi fished about, “the cut hurts.” He motioned flippantly with a hand to his side. It wasn’t a lie, not terribly. It did twinge a bit.

“Well, I was going to invite you along, but perhaps you should take it easy. If you took a hard spill you’re going to be awfully sore.”

Levi shrugged up one shoulder. “I’ve had worse and pushed myself harder.”

“No reason to anymore though, is there?”

“Suppose not.” Turning his back, Levi waved over his shoulder, “You go ahead.” He busied himself with carefully picking up the discarded flight box, taking his time so that when he stood back up, Erwin was already gone.

Levi let out a shaky sigh, walking the dented canisters back to the shed. With careful movements, he laid the gear down under the Wings upon the wall, peeling the rest of the leather straps from his body.

It has been a good flight… until it hadn’t. Despite the aborted landing, the feeling of flying had been an itch Levi had needed to scratch. Perhaps only to remind himself that even here, in this strange world where his skills no longer made him the target of misplaced— or not— hope, that he could still touch the sky.

Head bowed, he gave the gear, like the remains of a comrade, a proper salute.

Outside, the air drew crisp in his lungs, and birds chittered in the tall redwoods. Levi stoked the fire, throwing on another couple of split logs from the stack. It would settle into a nice bed of embers for Erwin’s rabbits— if he’d caught any. Well, it wasn’t really a question of _if_. Erwin had a knack for small game traps. A skill he’d learned a kid from his books; Erwin told them the story during one early mission, as their squad split game meat for dinner. Levi recalled having teased the other man for being an insufferable know-it-all. It had been one of the first times he’d heard Erwin’s good-natured laughter; one of the first times Levi could remember having considered Erwin a friend rather than a big, blonde roadblock.

And rabbit _was_ delicious… it was true he hadn’t had it in a while…

He loosened his cravat, looking at the small log seat by the fire before tilting his head to eye the tent. His nerves still felt a bit frayed, and lying down sounded very, very nice.

Ducking into the tent, he sat back with a groan onto his coarse bedroll, stiff wool blanket cast to the side. He took the time to unbuckle his boots, toes wriggling in his cotton stocking as he lay back with a sigh. Under his back, the ground pressed cool against his shoulder blades. The stillness was of some comfort; it seemed to stop the swirl of thoughts chasing themselves around his brain.

Had there been any doubt that his feelings would be returned?

Why had he kept it to himself for so long?

And—

Now what?

The fall earlier had winded him, sapped Levi of his energy, and the unimaginable high of feeling Erwin’s arm against his back, Erwin’s mouth on his, had left him empty and lethargic at their retreat. Still, he was glad for the space Erwin was giving him. Levi wasn’t the type of person who took sweeping change all that well. And going from bottled-up loyalty and affection to… to whatever they had now, definitely constituted sweeping change.

Levi yawned, unbuttoning the top two buttons on his shirt to ease the way it bunched against his collar.

Maybe when Erwin came back, he thought lazily…

He hadn’t noticed he’d been dozing until the sound of someone rustling against the tent flap roused him again. For a moment, he thought their camp was under attack, Titans curling out of mist and memory. He gave a start, twisting up on an elbow, ready to grab for his blades and attack before realizing just _who_ it was looming outside the canvas.

“ _Fuck_ , Erwin,” he croaked, heart thumping uncomfortably up into his throat. He swallowed convulsively a few times, as if he could will his heart to stop pounding.

“Ah, sorry,” came Erwin voice’s from outside, “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Levi flopped back down on his back, covering his eyes with a hand. Adrenaline ran jumpy up and down his legs. For a second there he thought they were both dead men. Again.

The tent flap pulled back, and Erwin stuck his head inside. He had the decency to look abashed. “I’d almost forgotten what a light sleeper you are.”

Levi snorted softly, rubbing his temples, eyes trained toward the tent ceiling. “You never could sneak out of that office. I was too quick for that.”

Erwin hummed. Whichever memory the words had conjured, it was a fond one.

“How was _the hunt,”_ Levi asked, letting his hand fall away to his side, still not looking at the other man.

“Fruitful,” Erwin quipped with a note of pride, "already in the pot." He shuffled a bit, ducking inside and sitting down hard upon his own bedroll, stifling a groan. He rested his arms on his bent knees, feet still sticking out the front of the tent.

Levi knew what that sound meant. All those years zipping around on wires, jerking their bodies body back and forth… “Hurts?”

Erwin pulled his good arm back, tilting his head to the side, trying to stretch the muscle that ran from the base of his neck down his back. “Doesn’t seem like our arrival here did anything to lessen the beating we took…”

Levi tilted his head on the ground so he could see him. “You really are getting old...” He hadn’t meant for the words to come out with such fondness, but the idea of Erwin being _allowed_ to grow old made the bitterness of his death and the wonderment at this new life coalesce into some tight, choked feeling.

Erwin twisted where he sat, metal arm bracing against the ground. He fixed Levi with a look. “You’re not so young yourself, you know.”

“I’m still faster than you are,” Levi shot back.

“Uh-huh,” Erwin agreed, with overly obvious skepticism. For a moment he was quiet, then his head tilted slightly, eyes narrowing in Levi’s direction. Not with anger, but with… something else.

“What I said earlier,” Erwin started slowly, “that it didn’t matter. Our feelings. Back then. That wasn’t exactly… not exactly how I meant it.”

Levi’s eyebrow quirked.

“You made me feel human, Levi.” Erwin bent forward to remove his boots, and Levi couldn’t look away as he slipped his palm under the heel to pry them off, a firm pressure that shouldn’t be so intimate for what it was.

“You were always human.”

“A man doesn’t send that many people out to die, _knowing_ they’ll die, without burying a bit of themself in the process. But you didn’t follow me because I was cold, because I would sacrifice everything for the case. Including myself.”

Levi eased up on one arm. “No. I followed you because at first I was impressed with you, and then because I trusted you. And then because I could no longer separate where you ended and I began.” He wanted to make him understand. “We’re of the same whole, you and I, and I followed you because you were the part of me I could love, easily, when I hadn’t thought I could.”

Erwin hummed. “Quite poetic”

“One of my many talents, surely.” Levi whirled his tongue against the back of his teeth, weighing his next words. “And I get it, you sought me out because I made you feel normal, and then it changed, like it did for me.”

To his surprise, Erwin gave a short laugh. “Well that may have been part of it, a more _identifiable_ part of it, but Levi,” there was a slight coloring at the tips of his cheekbones, “I truly just… fell in love with you. ”

The other man’s gaze sparked a surging warmth, fast in the way it filled Levi up and left him lightheaded. He had to try very hard to keep still, there on his back, uncustomarily exposed, without bolting from the tent.

He swallowed, finding it a bit difficult to keep eye contact. “Yeah?”

“With all the honesty I possess.”

Something light and sweet jumped in his stomach. “Now who the one being sickeningly poetic?”

Erwin paused then, half turned around towards him, uncertainty tightening in his shoulders and his gaze cast down. On a desire to— even after all this time— make Erwin’s tension melt away, to bring him closer, Levi stretched out his fingers from where his arm was upon the ground. Erwin was just out of reach there across the small space; his hand curled around nothing but air.

It was the smallest of beckoning gestures, but it did the trick to shake Erwin from his hesitation. He moved closer.

Levi screwed his eyes shut, easing back down onto the blanket. If he watched, he’d surely loose his nerve. In the back of his mind, the thought of a man such as he— who’d stared down death more times than he could count— feeling jumpy at the mere _thought_ of whatever he was about to let happen… it was near laughable.

Erwin’s voice came from somewhere above him. “You don’t look very comfortable.”

Levi realized his hands, frozen down by his sides, had curled into fists. He willed himself to relax, and opened one eye to squint up at the man hovering above him. Erwin was braced with his prototype arm near Levi’s head, his other hand hesitating in the air.

Levi blinked both his eyes open, and with a slight, tight jerk of his chin, he allowed for Erwin’s hesitant hand to reach down and lay flat against Levi’s sternum and the undone buttons at the top of the shirt. The stone of Erwin’s tie pressed into Levi’s collarbone.

The closeness, the contact, felt _right._

“I’m still surprised you kept this…” Erwin whispered, a finger slipping down under the fabric to hook around the tie’s string, pulling it from it’s hiding place. The slight, soft touch sent warmth sliding down into the pit of Levi’s stomach.

Levi frowned. “How else was I supposed to re—” The words got stuck halfway out, making him choke. “Remember.”

Erwin’s gaze flickered up. He looked appreciative, and maybe a little bit sad. “That was kind of you.”

“It was a reminder. Of what I promised. It kept me going. ” Tentatively, he laid his fingers over Erwin’s and tugged, gently. The other man’s hand abandoned its place on Levi’s chest, twisting to grip at Levi’s wrist. Levi watched as Erwin guided his arm slowly up and back against the ground by his head, the movement pulling Erwin’s body further over him. Levi could feel the other man’s knee bump against the side of his thigh. His free hand clenched tight again.

“Do you want to stop?” Erwin was so close now his chest stirred the front of Levi’s shirt.

It took a moment for Levi to collect himself enough to utter, “No.” Erwin looked disbelieving. “I’m just not use to… this. Any of… whatever you’re doing.” Erwin chuckled, and Levi could feel the reverberations of it down into his toes. The muscles in his legs tensed. “It’s not… terrible,” he admitted, trying to look anywhere but at the other man’s face, inches from his own.

Erwin’s smile flashed teeth. “’Not terrible’. Hmm, well, that’s something, I suppose.”

“Jackass,” Levi mumbled, but the hissing insult faltered on his tongue as Erwin dipped his head down, laying a warm kiss against the soft skin of Levi’s neck, like he was saying _thank you._ The feeling was almost bearable until it was replaced with the shocking nip of teeth.

Levi let out a gritted sound; surprise and pleasure both trying to escape at once. It was so _uncomfortable_ to have your body respond almost of it’s own will. And yet, he’d given his body to Erwin years ago, hadn’t he? He’d allowed Erwin to use him for humanity’s survival. If he could trust the man in war, he could trust the man in _this._ Levi took a deep breath in and out again, trying to adjust. He could feel Erwin’s smile against his skin.

“I wanted to ask you,” Erwin’s voice was right near his ear, and the vibration made Levi shiver. “If we ride tomorrow, early, we can reach the coast by evening. Would you go with me?”

“Yes.” The word was a sigh.

Erwin shifted, moving his left leg up and over, so he was straddling Levi’s legs. He was careful enough to keep his weight on his knees, not really touching. Erwin’s hand left Levi’s wrist to travel down, finding the hem of the other man’s shirt and snaking its way underneath.

The light skittering of fingertips on his stomach made Levi twitch away from the touch, but Erwin’s legs had him trapped. His eyes fluttered closed. “ _Fuck”_

That must have been the correct response. Erwin’s hand closed tight around the spot just above the swell of Levi’s hip— just above the waistband of Levi’s trousers— and froze there.

Erwin shifted, pressing their foreheads together. “You’re tense.”

“Yeah, well,” Levi’s throat was dry, “I’ve thought about this too much for you to stop now.”

“You have?” Erwin pulled back to look at him.

Levi nodded, tilting his chin up and catching Erwin’s gaze, like he were daring Erwin to tease him. He didn’t. There was a flush to Erwin’s skin, the amalgamation of embarrassment and arousal. A mess. Levi figured he probably looked the same. He hadn’t noticed he was breathing so hard himself until he recognized it in the man above him.

Heat and frustration coiled together, tight and hot.

“If you don’t hurry up and _do something_ ,” Levi said though gritted teeth, but he didn’t get a chance to finish as Erwin dipped to kiss him. The hand that had stilled at his side moved, catching on a sensitive spot just below Levi’s stomach as it traversed down toward his trousers’ front button. At the strange, pulsing jolt the touch created, Levi’s hips arced up, pressing against the juncture of the other man’s thighs. Into his mouth, Erwin groaned, and Levi had to grip Erwin’s braced arms to keep himself from doing it again.

His mind was buzzing, but Levi couldn’t string along two words well enough to think anything substantial. He mimicked Erwin’s open-mouthed kiss, pressing back, and felt Erwin fumble with the button.

After an agonizing moment, and with an anxious thrill, Erwin thumbed the fastening open, fingers dancing at the hem of the fabric underneath before slipping down, down, down—

Levi’s hips snapped into the sudden, intimate touch; he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t like he’d never done this to himself, but _this…_ It felt weird, backwards from his own grip, but the warm pressure—

And then Erwin dragged his hand upward.

Levi tore his mouth away with a noise ripped deep from his chest, panting. Erwin smirked, eyes heavy-lidded as his hand moved again. And again. Levi choked on his own moan; jaw clenched against the swell of rich pressure that slowly built. His nails dug into the flesh of Erwin’s bicep.

“S-Stop,” he finally managed. The other man stilled but didn’t pull away. Levi caught his breath. “I’m not going to be able to… to hold on for much longer.”

Erwin snorted, tongue darting out to lick his bottom lip. He looked remarkably predatory. “You know that’s the point…”

Levi glared. “No shi—” He broke off with a hiss. Erwin had flicked his wrist again, pleasure snapping through his body. “I _mean_ ,” he said more forcefully, voice low and rough, “I’d like to reciprocate, you _unbelievably_ smug bastard.”

Erwin flushed. “Oh.”

Levi rolled his eyes and _tisked_ , but he was still hot and shivery all over, not to mention pinned under Erwin with the man’s hand still down his front, so the effect was considerably diminished. Reaching down, he tugged at Erwin’s belt, fumbling for the closure. As he struggled to undo the buckle, it was not lost on him that Erwin was as… _affected_ as he was. With a wicked sense of satisfaction, he pressed the heel of his palm down the yet un-buttoned fly of Erwin’s breeches.

Erwin let out a sharp breath, head bowing low enough that his eyes were hidden from view.

Levi smirked as he worked the buckle loose, but his arms weren’t exactly long enough to get in any lower once the damn thing was off. Erwin seemed to notice, and he slipped his hand back languidly from where it was pressed against him, fingers taking their time over every single inch. Levi shivered, and Erwin’s thumb came away slick as he sat up enough to push down his own breeches.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

Levi fixed his eyes to the ceiling as he gripped the waistband of his trousers, arching off the ground in order to wiggle the cloth down his thighs. It all felt so frenzied, their heavy breathing filling up the tiny space like they were drowning in it, and yet, when Levi reminded himself _this was really happening_ , _finally,_ it was all in slow motion.

Without much warning, Erwin was leaning over him again, broad chest rising and falling heavily as he pressed their hips flush. Levi’s eyes blew wide, mouth falling open, but no sound came out. His hands fisted the bedroll beneath him.

Erwin’s eyes were closed, lips parted, and Levi could feel the heat between them, both of them bare and pressed together. Experimentally, when he finally got himself together, Levi rolled his hips, and the sound that issued from Erwin was _delicious_. It sent renewed heat flashing to his core. He did it again, this time curling his arm around the back of Erwin’s shoulders, urging him on with an ardent sound of delight.

The rhythm wasn’t exactly perfect, but they ended up cheek-to-cheek, breathing sharp bursts of warm air in each other’s ear, before Erwin reached between and gripped them both.

Levi’s head dropped back, bucking up into the touch as the pace quickened.

So close—

He was slick now with sweat, unbuttoned shirt sticking to his skin. It was all so hot, so all consuming, and he was _burning,_ but it felt better than it ever had before; alone. It was because of Erwin. Erwin… he _needed_ him. Not just as a soldier or as a subordinate or as a friend, but as… _this._

Erwin’s head fell to his shoulder, and there he pressed a kiss to Levi’s skin, murmuring, “I do love you. Levi.” His grip on them became hurried, erratic—

And there was that familiar swooping feeling, like he was flying, surging up from some deep, coiled place, and Levi’s panting came out suddenly sharp and pitched toward a whine. He jerked, muscles flinching tight, and in the ripple of pleasure that tore through him, it felt like he were clinging to Erwin for dear life.

Not a few moments later and Erwin followed after, before Levi even had enough time to regain his senses. He let out a deep, open-mouthed moan against the skin of Levi’s neck, freezing for a long moment before all the tension seemed to melt from his body.

Levi couldn’t tell if the pounding in his chest was his own heart or Erwin’s. His hand found the back of the other man’s head, fingers tangling in the blonde hair as the sound of the wind against the tent and the birdcalls came back to them, like the volume had finally been turned up again.

Catching their breath, Erwin leaned up on his arms, eyeing Levi with a satisfied, wrung-out look. “Thought about that a lot, did you?”

Levi was too flushed with pleasure to glare; all he could do was look away with an embarrassed half smile.

“That was…”

“Incredible,” Erwin supplied in a breath, swallowing hard.

“I was going to say ‘overdue,’ but yeah….” Levi closed his eyes, savoring the electric jolts coursing though his arms and legs. Erwin shifted where their bodies met, slick and slightly sticky. Levi’s eyes snapped open. “Only… only _moderately_ disgusting.”

Erwin laughed out his nose. “I missed your preference for cleanliness.”

_“Really.”_

Erwin chuckled, pushing up with his hands, but Levi held him down for a moment longer, tilting up to catch him in a kiss. It was less heated than the ones before, more drawn out and languid, sweeter.

Erwin smiled against his mouth. “You’re getting better at that,” he mumbled, pushing off to search for something with which to clean them up.

“Ugh.” Levi deliberately didn’t look when Erwin handed him a small washcloth. “I need a fucking shower,” he grumbled, wiping up.

“You’ll miss the rabbit.”

“Fuck the rabbit,” he sighed with little venom, body boneless.

“Well _I’m_ hungry,” he heard Erwin say from somewhere near the front of the tent. A hand reached out to trace down the outside of Levi’s calf. He shivered. “I'd prefer it if you joined me…”

Levi sat up slow; drinking in the fond look Erwin was giving him. He licked his lips, warm and raw.

“Of course I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, I hope this was good? This was my first ever non-het smut, and as you probably noticed, I like keeping the language/diction a little less explicit than some other fic writers... To me it just makes it more intimate, but ya know, that's just my opinion, man. 
> 
> Sorry this took so long. My husband and I bought a house recently and that ate up *a lot* of my time. 
> 
> So, yeah, epilogue coming next! Thanks for reading :D


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